Okay,
anyone out there know any cake humor? short, quick jokes and one liners? Want to share them with us?
A great fruit cake recipie
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
whats the difference between a brick and a fruit cake?
The brick eventually deteriorates
How about 100 uses for fruitcakes. In December I was on another forum and we came up with this list for laughs. Hope you enjoy and I apologize for the long list.
1. Door stops,
2.construction blocks
3.building materials,
4.murder weapons,
5.stop block for changing a tire,
6.weights for roof tarps,
7.balast for ships,
8.veneer for fireplace surround,
9. bricks for a patio,
10.counterweights for exercise equipment........
11. Boat anchors
12. they could replace stones in medieval catapults as weapons
13. use as bricks and make a bomb shelter out of them
14. line hillsides with them to stop erosion
15. (this goes kinda with 14) make jettys out of them to control beach erosion
16. Use as bombs
17. Cheap replacement for clay pigeons in skeet shooting
18. a replacement for coal in stockings of bad kids (remember kiddies, if you're not good, santa will fill your stocking with fruitcake!)...
19. You can slice them and use as coasters, very festive, no shellac necessary (Use of hand-saw recommended).
20. Place in toilet tank instead of brick, conserves water usage.
21. Great firestarters (can also be purchased in stores under name "firestarter logs"), lovely jewel-like colors.
22. speed bumps
23.curbing
24. fourth leg for that broken sofa.
25. bookends
26pedestal for fine art
27. raised garden bed wall
28. suncatchers (slice thin)
29. garden edging (use of patented edging cutting method recommended)
30. frog home (mortar 4 together with dlbrou's pancake batter)
31. shotput practice
32. Drop from helicopters to stop guys on TV in car chases
33. Mount on top of mobile homes to keep from blowing awayin a tornado
34. Build a dam
35. Jack-up old cars on
36. Send to Holland to shore up their dikes
37. Send to Lauriwilson for her birthday
38. Insert water pipe inside a stack of fruitcakes and use for a
fire hydrant - they're so dull painted red
39. Use as landfill
40. Scoop out the center and make a planter
41. Motorcycle wheels
42. Tent pole anchors
43. Horse tether
44. Place one in bottom of
empty garbage can to keep it from blowing away on a windy day
45. Drill holes and insert pole,
then use for weightlifting - so much prettier than those ugly grey weights
46. Makes a pretty footstool
47. Place a piece of plywood on top of 4 - one at each corner - and voila, a coffee table ! 48. Use as torpedos.That would save lots and lots of space on our submarines and they could carry quite a lot in the same space.
49. Slipcover and place on top of barstool as a cushion
50. Place on carseat in plain view - nobody
will steal your car !
51. Slice thinly and use for stained glass suncatchers.
52. Take out the petrified fruit and use to make indestructible jewelry
53. Repair the levees in New Orleans
54. Fruitcake pumice stone
55. Grate into bath salts
56. Fruitcake loofah
57. What about Fruitcake booster chairs. Might need one for the holidays, save the phonebooks for the compost bin
58. Weight for the top slice of bread when making Panini or pressed chicken
59. saturate with aromatic oils for potpourri stones, cut into small wedges after soaking makes it convenient for suitcases and handbags in travel
60. Umbrella stand. Drill hole in the middle (use of concrete bit recommended) for the umbrella pole.
61. Saw into floor tiles
62. slice into cubes, soak in coca-cola, dip in batter, deep fry and sell at county fairs (some people will eat anything)
63. Replace the broken heel on a stiletto pump.
64. Replacement for roofing tiles - much prettier than the same-o terracotta now used.
65. Bookshelves - like we made in college or in our first apartments, with boards in between the stacked fruit cakes.
66. Whack-a-fruitcake game, like Whack-a-mole only with fruitcake.
67. Fruitcake jerky
68. Weight to press flowers in a book.
69. Yard art after you sculpture a picture of Papa Smurf in it.
70. Strap on the bottom of shoes to walk on ice.
71: stockpile enough petrified fruitcakes to re-tile your roof with 1-inch thick slices (use a carbide saw). Your usual fruitcake will yeild about 9 tiles, enough for about 12X18 inches on your roof. People will be dropping them off in droves and the roof will resist even Wilma II.
72. Use as a flower press.
73. Place on top of dish used to cover and hold down the pickles in a crock,.
74. Place on a pedestal in an art gallery and call it Avant Garde. Demand a high price.
75. Use as the base for a lamp. It would never topple over.
76. Tie around the trunk of your favorite trees to keep them from toppling over in a hurricane.
77. Line them up in the attic in neat rows, tightly packed together, to serve as attic insulation.
78. Give as the Boobie Prize on TV quiz shows.
79. Use in laboratory tests to see if monkeys will choose to starve rather than eat fruitcake.
80. Hang from ropes along piers, instead of rubber tires, to keep boats from crashing into
the pier.
81. Give to Polar Bears at the zoo to play ball with. Fruitcakes will last much longer.
82. Threaten enemy spies with fruitcake forcefeeding if they don't tell what they know.
83. Give fruitcakes to Christmas tree sellers so they can make a hole in the center, then
stand the trees up in them so we can pick the tree we want.
84. Give only fruitcake for a last meal to murderers. It's all they deserve.
85. Send boatloads to France. The French will eat anything, as long as you put a sauce on it.
86. Persuade Queen Elizabeth to dump the Beefeater guards and switch to the Fruitcake Guards. She would appreciate this as the price of beef has skyrocketed.
87. Paint them gold and pass them off at the bank as gold ingots from a foreign country
88. Slice thin (use carbide saw), use them as tiles on the space shuttle's heat shield.
89. Make little cubes of fruit cake (use carbide saw) and scatter them all over the house, ridding the place of any roaches and any other vermins or vexations that may have decided to live there.
89. Glue them together (use industrial epoxy) to make these matts they use on construction sites to cover explosion sites.
90. Cut them in 1-inch slices horizontally (use carbide saw) and glue them together (use industrial epoxy) to make doormats.
91. Grind them down into dust (use a quarry's rock crusher) , mix with high density resin and start making countertops that look like dark granite. Call it something like Fruitcakite Big money in that.
92. Another use for the ground dust: use it in a cream to exfoliate the skin. Callit something technical like Fruitcakium. Big money in that. Women will love it. Hey, they already have one that has ground appricot pits in it.
93) baked round will make replacement tires for 769's ( 60 ton loaded off road construction dump truck)
94) ground with heavy duty crusher, add hot oil, mix well and pave America....
95) grind in heavy duty tub grinder and run thru seeder spraying hillsides and tacking down for erosion control....pretty
96) grind in same tub and use for filler for feedlot cattle
97) grind again and use for pot hole patching, durable and long lasting
9
bake into 10-12 foot lengths and use as railroad ties
99)used sliced (use above mentioned carbide saw) 1" thick for armor plating vehicles
100) use as tie downs for horses on trailrides...they will not leave you stranded. 
you guys obviously have too much time to think. Too funny
I resent number 85 though. The french may eat the stinkiest cheese in the world with out so much as a scrunched up nose, but they will not eat fruitcake. I dont even remember seeing it in the shops at Christmas time
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