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Making a "friend's" wedding cake - but didn't get

post #1 of 34
6/27/12 at 2:04pm
Thread Starter 
I'm making a wedding cake for a person I used to know well. She works at a non-profit place that I volunteered at for about 3 years (I stopped volunteering a year ago when my husband's schedule changed). She got engaged a year ago while I was still volunteering and she asked me to make her cake. I don't sell my cakes because it's not legal here in MN. She offered to pay for ingredients, but I said no.

We've been emailing back and forth about the design and such. She's told me the times and places for the wedding and reception (it's an hour away) because I needed to know where to bring the cake. I want to do the cake for her - that isn't the issue. She works at a non-profit and makes just above minimum wage, just graduated college, she's a good person. I'm happy to bless her with a beautiful cake. I just am wondering why the heck I haven't recieved an invitation to the wedding. Is it possible she just assumes that I assume I'm invited?? There's going to be 200+ people and it's 4 weeks away. icon_confused.gif

I homeschool because I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my children.

 

http://whynotethiopia.blogspot.com/

 

 

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I homeschool because I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my children.

 

http://whynotethiopia.blogspot.com/

 

 

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post #2 of 34
6/27/12 at 2:22pm
Hi Jess, I know how you feel. I would feel bad if something like that happens to me. But as you are a good friend and because you said you would make the cake, do the cake. If she mentions about you coming to the wedding, just tell her that you thought you weren't invited. You cannot ask her why you are not invited.
If you put your heart and soul, there's nothing you cannot do!
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If you put your heart and soul, there's nothing you cannot do!
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post #3 of 34
6/27/12 at 2:33pm
I think it's safe to assume you're not going to be invited at this point. Which I'm sure hurts your feelings, especially if you thought you were close enough to warrant an invitation without the cake, let alone with such a large gift.

However, she did offer to pay you, which you refused for good reason, but it's possible she hasn't priced cakes, because you were doing it, and so just isn't aware of what an expensive gift you are giving her.

Also, unfortunately, she isn't really obliged to invite you regardless. It just lets you know where she feels her relationship with you stands. Do you have any mutual friends who you could ask to subtly find out for you if you're invited?
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post #4 of 34
6/27/12 at 3:33pm
Thread Starter 
Yeah, it stinks. My husband says 22 year olds are not brilliant, especially when planning a wedding and she is assuming we'll come. He says if we drop off the cake and leave, she'll feel really bad. But I can't assume we're invited. I just think her and I are both going to feel bad about this.

We don't have any close mutual friends, except the people at the non-profit. I wish I could ask them, but it might be weird.

I homeschool because I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my children.

 

http://whynotethiopia.blogspot.com/

 

 

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I homeschool because I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my children.

 

http://whynotethiopia.blogspot.com/

 

 

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post #5 of 34
6/27/12 at 5:21pm
If you would like to go to the wedding you could always offer to help serve the cake since you will be making it.
Thanks,

Myra
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Thanks,

Myra
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post #6 of 34
6/27/12 at 6:02pm
If you didn't receive a verbal invitation or a written, you are not invited. After the wedding she will either admit her failure to realize it or you'll receive a glowing thank you card.
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post #7 of 34
6/27/12 at 7:54pm
Just a thought...some brides run short of paper invitations. So they don't send one to people like the DJ or caterer or the cake maker.

So just ask her--maybe when she is confirming the number of servings. Just a simple "does your catering count include me?"
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post #8 of 34
6/27/12 at 8:49pm
I can see where you feel that you should be invited to the wedding, but sadly, I'm sure that you are..............it may be a simple oversight or it may be a conscious decision.

I most certainly think that as a previous co-worker who has agreed to provide a free wedding cake, you and your DH should be at the top of the guest list.

I would merely call--NOW--and ask a pertinent cake/delivery question, and then say, "I realized that we're very close to the day and I haven't received an invitation in the mail with an RSVP card. I'm sure that other vendors need final head counts. Are DH & I invited to the ceremony and reception?"

Wait for her answer.

If yes, then tell her 1 or 2 attending and follow up with an e-mail to that effect.

If no.................well............that's up to you.

Rae
I love you, but your emergency is not my crisis!

They say that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it is not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.--Terry Pratchett (b.194
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I love you, but your emergency is not my crisis!

They say that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it is not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.--Terry Pratchett (b.194
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post #9 of 34
6/27/12 at 8:58pm
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're in such an uncomfortable situation! I would try to ask in some way, even if it's indirectly. You'd feel so bad if you found out later that she expected you there. And she very likely could've just overlooked it. It may make her feel good to know that you'd LIKE to come.
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post #10 of 34
6/27/12 at 9:12pm
If I didn't receive an invitation, paper or verbal, I would take it as a "not invited". Since you've talked to her several times about the cake, she's had plenty of time to ask you. I would bring the cake and drop it off and leave. If after the event she asks why you didn't stay, tell her why (no invite, and that you can't just assume you're invited just because you made the cake). Depending on her catering company, I would think they would have needed the head count by now from the bride. If she hasn't asked you yet, chancing are she didn't include you into that count.
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post #11 of 34
6/27/12 at 9:12pm
i understand what you're feeling...it is a very sticky situation to be in. I think i would go with the idea of saying "is your venue cutting the cake? I know I am just dropping it off, but I can cut the cake!" she might realize how silly she had been to not invite you and then invite you...OR she will say that the venue IS cutting the cake and you know where you stand.

it's weird how an event like a wedding determines a lot of our relationships in life...but it does
It's not "just" cake...it's my life!
WI State Representative for Icing Smiles...start 'Baking a Difference" today!
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It's not "just" cake...it's my life!
WI State Representative for Icing Smiles...start 'Baking a Difference" today!
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post #12 of 34
6/27/12 at 9:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by debidehm

If I didn't receive an invitation, paper or verbal, I would take it as a "not invited". Since you've talked to her several times about the cake, she's had plenty of time to ask you. I would bring the cake and drop it off and leave. If after the event she asks why you didn't stay, tell her why (no invite, and that you can't just assume you're invited just because you made the cake). Depending on her catering company, I would think they would have needed the head count by now from the bride. If she hasn't asked you yet, chancing are she didn't include you into that count.



you know...the thing about assuming now days is that a lot of people don't know the etiquette of weddings! I am helping a friend plan a wedding and they want to invite SOME to the ceremony, SOME to the "dinner", and SOME to the after party...WHO DOES THAT!? i truly believe the wedding etiquette has changed for this younger generation and they just don't get how it's supposed to go and/or what to really do!

the catering company that works in my University will still take a final head count 1 week in advance...everything has changed!
It's not "just" cake...it's my life!
WI State Representative for Icing Smiles...start 'Baking a Difference" today!
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It's not "just" cake...it's my life!
WI State Representative for Icing Smiles...start 'Baking a Difference" today!
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post #13 of 34
6/27/12 at 10:29pm
All you have to do is email her and ask her if it is ok if you come to the ceremony. Let her know that you understand she has limited spots for the reception but since you will be out there anyway with the cake you would love to be able to watch her get married on her big day. Surely she will say yes to this or tell you you're invited.
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post #14 of 34
6/28/12 at 4:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BakingIrene

Just a thought...some brides run short of paper invitations. So they don't send one to people like the DJ or caterer or the cake maker.

So just ask her--maybe when she is confirming the number of servings. Just a simple "does your catering count include me?"



The DJ and the caterer, and the cake maker aren't invited to the wedding. They've been hired to provide a service at the wedding. It isn't because the couple runs short of paper invitations that these people don't get one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildgirl


I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're in such an uncomfortable situation! I would try to ask in some way, even if it's indirectly. You'd feel so bad if you found out later that she expected you there. And she very likely could've just overlooked it. It may make her feel good to know that you'd LIKE to come.



I suspect it would make her feel awkward, because if it's close to the day, she now has to either send you an invitation and scramble around giving different head counts to caterers etc, or have a terribly awkward conversation with you where she explains that you're not actually invited to the wedding, regardless of the fact that you are gifting her the cake.

Most brides don't forget to send invitations to people they want to invite.

Sorry, OP. The bride did not send you an invitation. She offered to pay you for a service, which you declined. She has hired you, for zero cost, to perform a service for her wedding. And that sucks if you thought you were closer.
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post #15 of 34
6/28/12 at 5:24am
It sounds like she views you as a baker who was an acquaintance. It's extremely tacky of her not to invite you, especially since you refused payment. No good deed goes unpunished.
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