Sorry, but I am getting a little irritated on behalf of Oh My Goodies (hope that's okay If her mother was this wonderful woman who always helped her out or was supportive of her or whatever, then she certainly could entertain the idea of doing the cake or cookies or whatever for the $20 if she wanted. Clearly this is NOT the case. Just because she's your mother, does not entitle her to take advantage of her daughter, no matter how many hours of labor she went thru and how many diapers she changed .

If this was a walk-in-the-door customer Oh My Goodies was talking about, we'd all be telling her to tell the woman to take a hike!!

The reason I am such a great mom (which is what my kids will tell you!) is because I was raised by a psycho-crazy witch woman and she taught me how to NOT be a parent.

Those who were raised by "normal" parents will NEVER understand what it's like to be raised by a narcissistic (sp?), habitual liar, psycho bi*tch whose weapon of choice to use on her children were wire coat hangers and strips of plastic hot wheels race track; by a woman who never took her children to the doctor but the DOGS went to the vet for every little thing. Who played mind games with little kids so we learned that to be on her good side, we had to be "mad" at someone.

Last March, my (retarded) sister died of cancer and it got so bad that another sister had to go to court to get guardianship because in our mother's eyes, it was better that the cancer-sister die so that the mother could play the victim and get the sympathy.

I have zero tolerance for manipulative people. I actually find them humorous because I was raised by the Master Manipulator .... everyone else is STRICTLY amateur! Heck, I watched "Mommy Dearest" and wondered what the big deal was all about ..... that kid had it easy!

KellyAnne, I am not flaming you, but the phrase "she IS your mother" just absolutely sends me over the edge! I DO understand from the rest of your post that it sounds like you had a normal mother, and so the respect you have for her is also normal and understandable. I really do get that.

But I always ask "what does that mean?" Does it mean that parents can do anything they want to their little, defenseless, innocent children and children are just suppose to sit back and accept it as "their due"? Because "she's your mother"???? It's a phrase that is thrown around with little regard to what it actually means.

I say "She's your mother" and that means SHE needs to be respectful of the life she brought into this world; that she has a responsibility to that child she chose to have. I honestly believe there is a special place in Hell for those who harm children .... I believe being a mom is God's Greatest Gift to us who are blessed to be able to have children. I don't take the gift or the responsibility lightly and I have zero tolerance for those who look upon it as a curse in their lives.

Goodies, yes you can disrespect the woman who brought you into this world if she is disrespectful in how she treats you. Being a mom is not an automatic pass .... respect is earned and not just because you popped a baby out one day!

I will NEVER understand the concept that our family is allowed to treat us like sh** and that's ok. You would NEVER accept that kind of treatment from a neighbor or a co-worker, yet people will allow themselves to be walked on by family. And the phrase "but they're family" works both ways ..... they are family and they should treat you at LEAST as well as they treat their neighbors and co-workers!

Many of you know I cut my parents out of my life 15 years ago. I consider her a danger to my children and I will NOT allow my children to be around a dangerous, mentally unstable, psycho nut! I have a responsibility to them and to myself. I choose NOT to have that Jerry Springer drama in my life.

And I have never regretted one minute of it.

Those who were raised by normal parents will NEVER understand what I'm talking about or where I'm coming from. And actually, I'm very happy for you that you can't understand it.

----------------------------
So....now that I've gotten my ranting out of my system....

Rules of Cake ordering:

You tell me what you want to spend and I'll tell you what you can have.

OR....

You tell me what you want and I'll tell you how much you will spend.

You do NOT get to tell me all the things you want and set your own price.

As one CC'er put it: This AIN'T Priceline!

Goodies, it has been said you can't argue with a crazy woman, so don't try. "Mom, I can't do the cake for $20, so you'll have to go somewhere else." Period. No explanation. NO APOLOGY. Don't argue ... dont' explain. Just state the fact. It took me a long time to learn that.

It's your life and you need to take control of it. It's a hard line to cross but once you do, you will be AMAZED at how much better and stress free your life is. No more head games, no more crazy-making.

Thanks Cathy. I honestly didn't mean to get this all started into a big ordeal. It's just that this is someone who has never had any faith in me that I could make this work and it's people like her that don't want to pay what the cake is worth that we all complain about every other day. It's people like her that we all come across that are ruining our business by not wanting to pay or not believe in us....

She's never believed in me and never EVER had a kind word to say about what I'm trying to accomplish. She's always told me to better my self since I didn't graduate there is nothing I can possible succeed at that will make her proud enough to brag about me like she does my brother (whom got his GED in prison) and my sister. But I thought my cakes would make her at least be proud enough to say "My daughter did that" with a little be of pride ya know... Ok well I think I'm going to head to bed and think on this some more and hopefully I can get my wording right and not hurt her feelings. Thank you all for your comments and I do truely appreciate both sides of things, and I'll admit I envy so many of you... thank you all and I'm sorry things got a little off track and out of hand lol.

I have to say I read this entire post and man oh man....I am so glad I am not the only one that thinks certain things growing up do not just "go away".... there is no such thing as rewind, you only get one chance in this world, you are having this converstion for a reason...."What is your gut telling you?"

From what I read, it is saying"DO NOT MAKE THIS CAKE", so personally I would not do it...not even for the potental business, the business sent your way by your mother really does not sound like business that will be worth it if she is involved in any way.

I know she is your mother and you need the money but there is no amount of money in the world worth the the pain and/or stress it causes to even think about all of the the things that involve your mother. You never want to feel like you owe her anything, it sounds as if you could not ever repay her in her eyes.

indydebi, WELL SAID!

I liked you before this (not to mention you make great cakes!!!)... Now I really respect you too!

You know, this would be different if it was a cake for your mom's birthday or a family or personal occasion, but she's bringing it to a work function where there are going to be 30 people.

If I were a mechanic, I'd fix my family's cars for free, but I'd go out of business if I fixed my family's cars and all their friends and coworkers cars for free or too cheap like this. I think you really need to talk to you mom about it again. Maybe she just doesn't realize how much this is going to cost!

Sad to say, but Debi's got a great point here.

I read all about how to deal with a manipulative mother in the bookk Toxic Parents. That was about 6 years ago and now our relationship is much better.

My options were 1) kill her and hope for a sympathtic jury; or 2) set boundaries and be firm with them.

One of the greatest things I heard from a friend years ago was "you teach people how to treat you." Now it's a Dr. Phil quote! Nevertheless, it is one of the truest things I have ever heard.

Mom will respect you when you give her no other option. It takes time for her to adjust and it will be painful. She'll pout, yell, tell bad stories about you to other family memembers. You will feel guilty about not playing your role in the game, but eventually she WILL change and you FEEL feel better.

On the other hand: If she doesn't, then ask yourself whether you really want toxic people in your life...no matter what title they hold?

I can see (and understand completely) Debi's smart move to kick people out of her life who refuse to treat her as she deserves. Life's too short to suffer needlessly and waste valuable energy on a lost cause.

Just my $.02

Marianne

trust me ohmy- i have a mom almost the same.. very manipulative; storms off to her room and slams the door etc.. when i was at home i had no option to stand up to her or my family but now i do.. one time it took not speaking to my mom for almost 3 months before she finaly got the msg and stopped trying to manipuplate me as much

up untill she developed diabetes a few yearsago she would still call up a and get this tone of voice when she'd complain about anything and everything (to clarify here my mom is also a hyper?chondriac) no i'm not dissing her just saying she is. it got so bad i had to just hold phone away and say "uh huh uhhuh.. yah... oooh" things inher world were always better/ or worse then yours- she already had that- never had that etc.. (shrugs)

even my sister is starting to have a hissy fit cause she can't boss me and manipulate me around anymore (hubby likens her to the wicked witch of the east- i just say my sister has her own diamond mine if you get my drift)

i'm not saying this works for everyone but what salavaged my familial relationshps was distance.

keeping a distance of long distance calling kept mom from calling all the time and we're now "happy" to hear from one another (Phew, what a relief eh?) hehe..

My sister.. well just when i thought we'd reached that point in our lives where we finaly got along and understood one another- she at 41 starts tattling to my dad (who's not even her dad) that i'm bullying her and putting her down for her short hight

um what??

just cause i made a joke in reply to her bossing ME around "naw i'm bigger then you now" or something like that.. yep i "hurt" her feelings over this one.. geesh sis. get a grip. your not the one in control anymore.

even my older brother (both sibs are older btw) is noticing i'm standing up to them now. i'm the same height as my bro and right now heavier since he lost weight lol....

but since my brother was finaly able to meet a Good woman and have kids of his own (long story) he's started keeping in touch with me more.. never woudl before but trust me i cherish this.

i still dont hear from dad much cept when some one thinks someone's dying in our family (shrugs) but.. as dad said a few years ago- just cause he doesn't say it, doesn't mean he doesn't love me.. for the first time though i did say 'yes, but hearing it means so much more " and i did wink at him so he knew i wasn't putting him down. Dad rarely talked much about "meaningful stuff"


well i best put an end to my ramble. hope some of it made sense and helped some where some how etc..

now to clarify the comment i made above about my dad not being my sisters dad i didn't mean that to claim territory or such; i meant it to clarify Her territory if that makes sense. basically it wasn't the best way to say she's my half sister. does not mean i dont love her- even after everything i stated- some how i still do. go figure.

All I can say is that I was blessed to have a good mother as a child, but in adulthood, things haven't been that good. She has some mental health problems and tries to manipulate me and my sisters all the time. I would do the cake for cost for her because she did not treat me as poorly as your mother has treated you! I made a decision to eliminate these types of people from my life - and I have never looked back! My MIL wants cheap cakes for her and her friends - I may give her a slight discount occasionally - but I just tell her frankly what I expect.

I know you want to make your Mom proud, it just seems to me that you will never be able to do this (no matter your success or talent). I do agree with IndyDebi that this will make you a much better mother than she ever could be. I can't relate entirely with what you go through but my heart goes out to you - I had tears in my eyes reading those posts!

Indydebi, I knew you could put it into words anyone could understand! In all seriousness, I respect you for having enough sense to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make something of yourself. It is so easy to continue the cycle of child abuse. Your children are very lucky to have "such a great mom."

I don't think some of these people that are saying that her mom should not have to pay for this cake and cookies understands that she just doesn't deserve special treatment. Not everyone grew up in a "Ozzie and Harriet" family. (Did I just date myself?)

Diane

ok ok i have the answer. A sheetcake and a container of cookies from costco. i think what she offered should cover the cost. Show up with them in hand and tell her you just ran out of time, but dont worry you were able to get her something in her budget.

Indydebi, are you sure we dont have the same mom?? Sounds like my mom, always gotta be something. My mom has pulled more stunts than I can count, almost exactly like yours. Only hers tends to involve telling lies and making up life-threatening stories about how either she or someone else is dying with some terminal illness, only to find out that it was all a lie so that she gets the sympathy. She just likes drama and to pull everyone into it. Of course, I thought that was how things worked before I finally moved away. Love them from a distance, that's my motto now. The part of your post that really struck home is "The reason I am such a great mom (which is what my kids will tell you!) is because I was raised by a psycho-crazy witch woman and she taught me how to NOT be a parent." Amen to that!! I think God puts people into our lives (great or not-so-great, for a reason, to teach us things we may not have otherwise learned.) Big Hugs to you!

I have to completely disagree with what someone said (I dont remember the name, forgive me, it was a couple pages back) that said that their child would never be able to "repay" them for being on bedrest and missing a vacation and working to feed them. I have two boys now, one 3 years old, and one is 15-months old. I was on bedrest with one of my children, and had several scary moments. I never once thought, "Oh you owe me now", it was more of a "If you just hold on a couple more months, I'll love you more than I even know how." I work hard and change diapers, keep the house clean, never get enough sleep, but "repay" will never be something I would expect from them. Respect yes, but that's a different thing all together. Carrying someone for nine months doesnt, in my opinion, give someone the right to never think their child will be good enough or that their child owes them something. So you carried your baby for nine months. Big whoop! So do millions of women everyday. Having grown up with a woman who thinks that something is owed to her, and nothing that is ever done will amount to that repayment, makes that sentence strike a nerve with me. All I ask from my children is to love me, respect me, and be respectful of others. I dont hold what are my God-given duties as a mother, over their heads. ...Sorry to vent. Just stirred up old feelings. As someone else stated, if you havent had a mother like that, you just cant understand. I have a Mother-by-Love (mother in law) that is more than I could have ever asked for; I know what things could have been like, and see how my life is now, so its not that I cant fathom it. But at the same time, I am thankful to an extent that I did have what I did, because it definately made me a better mother for it.

Now, back to the question at hand... As far as what to say to your mom, being honest with her about the cost of the cake wont do any good. She thinks you owe it to her and will guilt trip you, like you said. I'd completely take Indydebi's advice and just go with short to the point sentences. DONT apologize bc you have nothing to apologize for, and if you apologize or start trying to explain, she will manipulate you into thinking you owe it to her for whatever reason. If all else fails, put your hubby on the phone with her

Children don't owe their parents anything for all the stuff we do for them as children!! I would never hold that against my children and would be happy to pay full price for a cake my dd made, especially if she was struggling financially. That said, if we are horrible to them as children, then when they become adults and can fight back, they have the right to treat you with the disrespect that you treated them with as children. I hope this makes sense - children are not here to make mother's lives easier, but (at least in my case) they do make your life better!

I am so sorry your mom is like that. My mother must be your moms twin. I live with my folks right now and was actually told that I couldn't make cakes in her kitchen anymore. She has no faith in my talent even she has been to events where I have done the cake. My boyfriends birthday is next friday and his favorite cake is yellow cake with chocolate frosting and he asked me to make him one. She looked at me and said youre not making it, i'll go buy one!!!! If it came down to it she would go to a store and buy a cake before she asked me to make it!

I am sorry and just tell her no! Even though I can't seem to do it that often. good luck

can you say chips ahoy? lol

Ok, this is very touchy;it's your mom.
I have two friends (noy related)who have a relative that is like your mom to a certain extent. The way these women are is unreal; I can't even comprehend how is it that they like themselves.

People like this act this way because others allow them to get away with it. You said your dad waits on her hand and foot and if he doesn't, she won't speak to him. That's ridiculous!!! It's nothing wrong with your dad doing this for your mom. Instead of doing it because she's a sweetheart who's deserves to be spoiled by her husband, he's doing it because he's being bullied, manipulated and threatened into doing it. That's not cool. Then she has a way of making you feel guilty or her tone gets kind bitchy(your words) if things don't go her way.

ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY!!!!!
She has gained absolute power over the years. Is she corrupt? ABSOLUTELY!!! Please don't take any offense; I'm not talking about your mother. I'm talking from experience based on my two friends. In both families no one can stand that adult; but yet, everybody bows down to them,and are scared to stand up to them. If your complaining about it to someone then it must make you feel a certain way, stand up to the person who has you feeling this way. If not, you're always a target. People like this are bullies; and if you stand up to them and don't back down you win, they lose their power and they'll leave you alone.

Tell mom, that this not a hobby for you. Even your husband has a positive opinion about what you're doing (and you know how men can be) This is your business. Give her a price that you would charge anyone else for the golf theme she wants. No Discounts For Mom At This Time!! When she starts taking what you do serioulsy and pays you what you're worth, then and only then do you start giving her discounts. Stick to it. You're an adult with a husband and maybe a family you don't live at home, if you're a good person and daughter how can she guilt you into doing something your against. Tell dad next time she pulls one of those stunts, tell him to keep it moving go on about his business. Go to a movie, hang out with some buddies he doesn't have to stay at home and be a witness to her tantrums. If she won't cook, cool (I know dad loves her cooking but she needs to be taught a lesson) dad can have a meal or two out or with you guys until she gets the point.

Respect has to be earned. People who don't give it, won't get it. You don't reward people for bad behavior.

Hi Becky,
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through and that you had such a hard childhood, life sometimes seems unfair with the family (and situations) God gave us BUT the good thing is that you are not the one who will one day stand before God and explain what you did or did not with your kids. Just focus on your family and be the BEST Mommy you can be and the BEST daughter you can be, to both your Mom and Dad. I can understand that it might be hard with a very manipulative mother but again, she is your Mom, you shouldn't disrespect her. JMO. You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)
(((BIG Hugs))) to you!

And to do or not to do the cake, I guess that is really not the point, do what you feel and think is right, might be good advertisement or might just bring you more heart ache, really, only you know... but the point of my post is that no matter what we (people in general) shouldn't disrespect our parents (even when life has not been fair).

If I were in your shoes, I would ask only for enough money to cover my expenses. That is what I do with my Mom and Dad's cake orders.

One more thing, I don't know about your beliefs or religion and by all means, did not mean to impose my beliefs neither to offend you or anyone else.

Cheer up and happy baking!

I haven't read everyone's response, and I have a somewhat normal mom, so please take this with a grain of salt...

I am a little confused...your mom was babysitting for you? Not sure how many kids you have, but our next door neighbor's nanny allows me to send my kid over for $8/hr. Per child. I am in California. So maybe your mom thought the babysitting was bartering for the baking? My folks babysit for me while I teach my Wilton classes, and do it b/c they love it, but I try to slip them something in appreciation...a Starbucks gift card, taking them to lunch, etc. Sure, they are grandparents and love to sit with the kids, but it IS an impostion when it is a set day/time, etc. It limits them, and after all, they have already raised their kids!

Of course, I don't know the whole situation...

Hey Debi, I understand your point and agree that child abuse is NOT what God intended for His most blessed gift, the little children, BUT we live in a world that is not fair, some of us have survived abuse and some of us have not. It is sad and WRONG! I agree 100% but we won't fix anything or change the past by being disrespectful now, all I was saying is that if we do our share and honor them now, then God will do His and judge them one day. (if they, the parents, were abusive or not).
Again, don't mean to offend anyone here, it is JMO.

nefgaby, no offense taken.

I'm not disrespecting my parents .... i just choose not to have them in my life, causing turmoil and anxiety and stress. They are not going hungry or without a place to live or without proper medical care. Should something along those lines happen, I will be part of the conversation with my sisters on the resolution to whatever the problem is. As a matter of fact, even tho' they are not in my life, I did send some groceries their way when I knew they needed it ....

Just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to hang out together.

(Of the 5 remaining children they have, only one of the five still goes around them anymore. They have systematically cut off their noses to spite their face by running ALL of their children out of their lives. How sad!)