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Help me stand Up to my mother...... - Page 4

post #46 of 126
ok ok i have the answer. A sheetcake and a container of cookies from costco. i think what she offered should cover the cost. Show up with them in hand and tell her you just ran out of time, but dont worry you were able to get her something in her budget.
post #47 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by mariannedavis

I read all about how to deal with a manipulative mother in the bookk Toxic Parents. That was about 6 years ago and now our relationship is much better.



I also read that book ..... it's a very good book and strongly recommended for anyone who grew up with a psycho parent!
post #48 of 126
Indydebi, are you sure we dont have the same mom?? Sounds like my mom, always gotta be something. My mom has pulled more stunts than I can count, almost exactly like yours. Only hers tends to involve telling lies and making up life-threatening stories about how either she or someone else is dying with some terminal illness, only to find out that it was all a lie so that she gets the sympathy. She just likes drama and to pull everyone into it. Of course, I thought that was how things worked before I finally moved away. Love them from a distance, that's my motto now. The part of your post that really struck home is "The reason I am such a great mom (which is what my kids will tell you!) is because I was raised by a psycho-crazy witch woman and she taught me how to NOT be a parent." Amen to that!! I think God puts people into our lives (great or not-so-great, for a reason, to teach us things we may not have otherwise learned.) Big Hugs to you!

I have to completely disagree with what someone said (I dont remember the name, forgive me, it was a couple pages back) that said that their child would never be able to "repay" them for being on bedrest and missing a vacation and working to feed them. I have two boys now, one 3 years old, and one is 15-months old. I was on bedrest with one of my children, and had several scary moments. I never once thought, "Oh you owe me now", it was more of a "If you just hold on a couple more months, I'll love you more than I even know how." I work hard and change diapers, keep the house clean, never get enough sleep, but "repay" will never be something I would expect from them. Respect yes, but that's a different thing all together. Carrying someone for nine months doesnt, in my opinion, give someone the right to never think their child will be good enough or that their child owes them something. So you carried your baby for nine months. Big whoop! So do millions of women everyday. Having grown up with a woman who thinks that something is owed to her, and nothing that is ever done will amount to that repayment, makes that sentence strike a nerve with me. All I ask from my children is to love me, respect me, and be respectful of others. I dont hold what are my God-given duties as a mother, over their heads. ...Sorry to vent. Just stirred up old feelings. As someone else stated, if you havent had a mother like that, you just cant understand. I have a Mother-by-Love (mother in law) that is more than I could have ever asked for; I know what things could have been like, and see how my life is now, so its not that I cant fathom it. But at the same time, I am thankful to an extent that I did have what I did, because it definately made me a better mother for it.

Now, back to the question at hand... As far as what to say to your mom, being honest with her about the cost of the cake wont do any good. She thinks you owe it to her and will guilt trip you, like you said. I'd completely take Indydebi's advice and just go with short to the point sentences. DONT apologize bc you have nothing to apologize for, and if you apologize or start trying to explain, she will manipulate you into thinking you owe it to her for whatever reason. If all else fails, put your hubby on the phone with her icon_lol.gif
post #49 of 126
Children don't owe their parents anything for all the stuff we do for them as children!! I would never hold that against my children and would be happy to pay full price for a cake my dd made, especially if she was struggling financially. That said, if we are horrible to them as children, then when they become adults and can fight back, they have the right to treat you with the disrespect that you treated them with as children. I hope this makes sense - children are not here to make mother's lives easier, but (at least in my case) they do make your life better!
post #50 of 126
I am so sorry your mom is like that. My mother must be your moms twin. I live with my folks right now and was actually told that I couldn't make cakes in her kitchen anymore. She has no faith in my talent even she has been to events where I have done the cake. My boyfriends birthday is next friday and his favorite cake is yellow cake with chocolate frosting and he asked me to make him one. She looked at me and said youre not making it, i'll go buy one!!!! If it came down to it she would go to a store and buy a cake before she asked me to make it!

I am sorry and just tell her no! Even though I can't seem to do it that often. good luck
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Click for an amazing collection of WASC variations and yummy fillings and frosting by CC members:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=df4f9hbq_46cs9f28fs
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post #51 of 126
can you say chips ahoy? lol
post #52 of 126
Ok, this is very touchy;it's your mom.
I have two friends (noy related)who have a relative that is like your mom to a certain extent. The way these women are is unreal; I can't even comprehend how is it that they like themselves.

People like this act this way because others allow them to get away with it. You said your dad waits on her hand and foot and if he doesn't, she won't speak to him. That's ridiculous!!! It's nothing wrong with your dad doing this for your mom. Instead of doing it because she's a sweetheart who's deserves to be spoiled by her husband, he's doing it because he's being bullied, manipulated and threatened into doing it. That's not cool. Then she has a way of making you feel guilty or her tone gets kind bitchy(your words) if things don't go her way.

ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY!!!!!
She has gained absolute power over the years. Is she corrupt? ABSOLUTELY!!! Please don't take any offense; I'm not talking about your mother. I'm talking from experience based on my two friends. In both families no one can stand that adult; but yet, everybody bows down to them,and are scared to stand up to them. If your complaining about it to someone then it must make you feel a certain way, stand up to the person who has you feeling this way. If not, you're always a target. People like this are bullies; and if you stand up to them and don't back down you win, they lose their power and they'll leave you alone.

Tell mom, that this not a hobby for you. Even your husband has a positive opinion about what you're doing (and you know how men can be) This is your business. Give her a price that you would charge anyone else for the golf theme she wants. No Discounts For Mom At This Time!! When she starts taking what you do serioulsy and pays you what you're worth, then and only then do you start giving her discounts. Stick to it. You're an adult with a husband and maybe a family you don't live at home, if you're a good person and daughter how can she guilt you into doing something your against. Tell dad next time she pulls one of those stunts, tell him to keep it moving go on about his business. Go to a movie, hang out with some buddies he doesn't have to stay at home and be a witness to her tantrums. If she won't cook, cool (I know dad loves her cooking but she needs to be taught a lesson) dad can have a meal or two out or with you guys until she gets the point.

Respect has to be earned. People who don't give it, won't get it. You don't reward people for bad behavior.
Don't just do it...Do it just!
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Don't just do it...Do it just!
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post #53 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by mariannedavis

I read all about how to deal with a manipulative mother in the bookk Toxic Parents. That was about 6 years ago and now our relationship is much better.



I also read that book ..... it's a very good book and strongly recommended for anyone who grew up with a psycho parent!



thanks!

i wonder how fast mom can read icon_wink.gif (grins and polishes halo)
i've gone crazy~ but it keeps me from going insane! heheheh
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i've gone crazy~ but it keeps me from going insane! heheheh
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post #54 of 126
Hi Becky,
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through and that you had such a hard childhood, life sometimes seems unfair with the family (and situations) God gave us BUT the good thing is that you are not the one who will one day stand before God and explain what you did or did not with your kids. Just focus on your family and be the BEST Mommy you can be and the BEST daughter you can be, to both your Mom and Dad. I can understand that it might be hard with a very manipulative mother but again, she is your Mom, you shouldn't disrespect her. JMO. You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)
(((BIG Hugs))) to you!

And to do or not to do the cake, I guess that is really not the point, do what you feel and think is right, might be good advertisement or might just bring you more heart ache, really, only you know... but the point of my post is that no matter what we (people in general) shouldn't disrespect our parents (even when life has not been fair).

If I were in your shoes, I would ask only for enough money to cover my expenses. That is what I do with my Mom and Dad's cake orders.

One more thing, I don't know about your beliefs or religion and by all means, did not mean to impose my beliefs neither to offend you or anyone else. icon_smile.gifthumbs_up.gif

Cheer up and happy baking!
Gaby
www.SweetArtShop.com

For some reason I no longer get CC notifications. If you need to get a hold of me please e-mail me through my website. Thanks!
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Gaby
www.SweetArtShop.com

For some reason I no longer get CC notifications. If you need to get a hold of me please e-mail me through my website. Thanks!
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post #55 of 126
I haven't read everyone's response, and I have a somewhat normal mom, so please take this with a grain of salt...

I am a little confused...your mom was babysitting for you? Not sure how many kids you have, but our next door neighbor's nanny allows me to send my kid over for $8/hr. Per child. I am in California. So maybe your mom thought the babysitting was bartering for the baking? My folks babysit for me while I teach my Wilton classes, and do it b/c they love it, but I try to slip them something in appreciation...a Starbucks gift card, taking them to lunch, etc. Sure, they are grandparents and love to sit with the kids, but it IS an impostion when it is a set day/time, etc. It limits them, and after all, they have already raised their kids!

Of course, I don't know the whole situation...
~Lisa
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~Lisa
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post #56 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by nefgaby

You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)



Respectfully responding......

I was actually waiting for this one to surface. I find it amazing that this is the ONE line from the Bible that non-christian evil parents know. (Oops! I am NOT calling you non-christian or evil!). They know nothing about God's Law but while they are beating their children with coat hangers and belts, they are quoting this line.

I doubt very much that God said, "Children, you must honor thy father and mother no matter what they do or pay the consequences, but mom and dad, YOU get to do whatever you want to my most blessed Gift, the little children, and that's ok."

Nope.....don't believe that's how it went down.
post #57 of 126
Hey Debi, I understand your point and agree that child abuse is NOT what God intended for His most blessed gift, the little children, BUT we live in a world that is not fair, some of us have survived abuse and some of us have not. It is sad and WRONG! I agree 100% but we won't fix anything or change the past by being disrespectful now, all I was saying is that if we do our share and honor them now, then God will do His and judge them one day. (if they, the parents, were abusive or not).
Again, don't mean to offend anyone here, it is JMO. thumbs_up.gif
Gaby
www.SweetArtShop.com

For some reason I no longer get CC notifications. If you need to get a hold of me please e-mail me through my website. Thanks!
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Gaby
www.SweetArtShop.com

For some reason I no longer get CC notifications. If you need to get a hold of me please e-mail me through my website. Thanks!
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post #58 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by nefgaby

You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)




I doubt very much that God said, "Children, you must honor thy father and mother no matter what they do or pay the consequences, but mom and dad, YOU get to do whatever you want to my most blessed Gift, the little children, and that's ok."

Nope.....don't believe that's how it went down.



Actually right after the obey your mother and father commandments in the Bible it is followed by Fathers (read in there that this is really for BOTH parents) do not vex your children (eph 4:6 and Col 3:21). It definitely goes both ways. Our parent/child relationship should be mirroring God's relationship with us. We love because God first loved us.....not because God beat us up, put us down, threw us under a bus and then told us to love Him. There is no reason to be disrespectful while still putting up boundaries. Boundaries are not disrespecting your parents, they are respecting yourself. You can do that with all the love and respect in the world without having to bend over and take it in the A**.

and to answer someone elses question OHMYGOODIES is babysitting her nephews FOR her mom.....who didn't ask, but told them they were doing it...again...another area that needs boundaries. The only problem is that you love your nephews I am sure and are doing this more for them than you are for your Mom.
momma to six sweeties: Katie 99, Kam 01, Kalen 02, Kody 03, Klara Jane 05, & Karson 5/08
wife to my submariner hubby Steve since 3/4/99
cake maker extraordiniare (haha) since 12/14/05
cookie lover since 3/07
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momma to six sweeties: Katie 99, Kam 01, Kalen 02, Kody 03, Klara Jane 05, & Karson 5/08
wife to my submariner hubby Steve since 3/4/99
cake maker extraordiniare (haha) since 12/14/05
cookie lover since 3/07
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post #59 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by freddyfl


and to answer someone elses question OHMYGOODIES is babysitting her nephews FOR her mom.....who didn't ask, but told them they were doing it...again...another area that needs boundaries. The only problem is that you love your nephews I am sure and are doing this more for them than you are for your Mom.



Oh my goodness...I totally mis-read, or didn't have this info...MY APOLOGIES!!!

Carry on! icon_biggrin.gif
~Lisa
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~Lisa
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post #60 of 126
nefgaby, no offense taken. thumbs_up.gif

I'm not disrespecting my parents .... i just choose not to have them in my life, causing turmoil and anxiety and stress. They are not going hungry or without a place to live or without proper medical care. Should something along those lines happen, I will be part of the conversation with my sisters on the resolution to whatever the problem is. As a matter of fact, even tho' they are not in my life, I did send some groceries their way when I knew they needed it ....

Just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to hang out together.

(Of the 5 remaining children they have, only one of the five still goes around them anymore. They have systematically cut off their noses to spite their face by running ALL of their children out of their lives. How sad!)
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