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Help me stand Up to my mother...... - Page 3

post #31 of 126
Sorry, but I am getting a little irritated on behalf of Oh My Goodies (hope that's okay icon_cool.gif If her mother was this wonderful woman who always helped her out or was supportive of her or whatever, then she certainly could entertain the idea of doing the cake or cookies or whatever for the $20 if she wanted. Clearly this is NOT the case. Just because she's your mother, does not entitle her to take advantage of her daughter, no matter how many hours of labor she went thru and how many diapers she changed icon_mad.gificon_mad.gif .

If this was a walk-in-the-door customer Oh My Goodies was talking about, we'd all be telling her to tell the woman to take a hike!!
Tact is telling someone where to go so nicely they can't wait to take the trip!
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Tact is telling someone where to go so nicely they can't wait to take the trip!
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post #32 of 126
The reason I am such a great mom (which is what my kids will tell you!) is because I was raised by a psycho-crazy witch woman and she taught me how to NOT be a parent.

Those who were raised by "normal" parents will NEVER understand what it's like to be raised by a narcissistic (sp?), habitual liar, psycho bi*tch whose weapon of choice to use on her children were wire coat hangers and strips of plastic hot wheels race track; by a woman who never took her children to the doctor but the DOGS went to the vet for every little thing. Who played mind games with little kids so we learned that to be on her good side, we had to be "mad" at someone.

Last March, my (retarded) sister died of cancer and it got so bad that another sister had to go to court to get guardianship because in our mother's eyes, it was better that the cancer-sister die so that the mother could play the victim and get the sympathy.

I have zero tolerance for manipulative people. I actually find them humorous because I was raised by the Master Manipulator .... everyone else is STRICTLY amateur! Heck, I watched "Mommy Dearest" and wondered what the big deal was all about ..... that kid had it easy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KellyAnne1284

She may be crazy, she may be a witch....but she IS your mother.



KellyAnne, I am not flaming you, but the phrase "she IS your mother" just absolutely sends me over the edge! icon_mad.gificon_mad.gif I DO understand from the rest of your post that it sounds like you had a normal mother, and so the respect you have for her is also normal and understandable. I really do get that.

But I always ask "what does that mean?" Does it mean that parents can do anything they want to their little, defenseless, innocent children and children are just suppose to sit back and accept it as "their due"? Because "she's your mother"???? icon_mad.gif It's a phrase that is thrown around with little regard to what it actually means.

I say "She's your mother" and that means SHE needs to be respectful of the life she brought into this world; that she has a responsibility to that child she chose to have. I honestly believe there is a special place in Hell for those who harm children .... I believe being a mom is God's Greatest Gift to us who are blessed to be able to have children. I don't take the gift or the responsibility lightly and I have zero tolerance for those who look upon it as a curse in their lives.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGoodies


.... I wanted so bad to smack her or cuss her or something but ya know... can't disrespect the woman that brought ya into this world.


Goodies, yes you can disrespect the woman who brought you into this world if she is disrespectful in how she treats you. Being a mom is not an automatic pass .... respect is earned and not just because you popped a baby out one day!

I will NEVER understand the concept that our family is allowed to treat us like sh** and that's ok. You would NEVER accept that kind of treatment from a neighbor or a co-worker, yet people will allow themselves to be walked on by family. And the phrase "but they're family" works both ways ..... they are family and they should treat you at LEAST as well as they treat their neighbors and co-workers!

Many of you know I cut my parents out of my life 15 years ago. I consider her a danger to my children and I will NOT allow my children to be around a dangerous, mentally unstable, psycho nut! I have a responsibility to them and to myself. I choose NOT to have that Jerry Springer drama in my life.

And I have never regretted one minute of it.

Those who were raised by normal parents will NEVER understand what I'm talking about or where I'm coming from. And actually, I'm very happy for you that you can't understand it.

----------------------------
So....now that I've gotten my ranting out of my system.... icon_wink.gif

Rules of Cake ordering:

You tell me what you want to spend and I'll tell you what you can have.

OR....

You tell me what you want and I'll tell you how much you will spend.

You do NOT get to tell me all the things you want and set your own price.

As one CC'er put it: This AIN'T Priceline!

Goodies, it has been said you can't argue with a crazy woman, so don't try. "Mom, I can't do the cake for $20, so you'll have to go somewhere else." Period. No explanation. NO APOLOGY. Don't argue ... dont' explain. Just state the fact. It took me a long time to learn that.

It's your life and you need to take control of it. It's a hard line to cross but once you do, you will be AMAZED at how much better and stress free your life is. No more head games, no more crazy-making.
post #33 of 126
Thread Starter 
Thanks Cathy. I honestly didn't mean to get this all started into a big ordeal. It's just that this is someone who has never had any faith in me that I could make this work and it's people like her that don't want to pay what the cake is worth that we all complain about every other day. It's people like her that we all come across that are ruining our business by not wanting to pay or not believe in us....

She's never believed in me and never EVER had a kind word to say about what I'm trying to accomplish. She's always told me to better my self since I didn't graduate there is nothing I can possible succeed at that will make her proud enough to brag about me like she does my brother (whom got his GED in prison) and my sister. But I thought my cakes would make her at least be proud enough to say "My daughter did that" with a little be of pride ya know... Ok well I think I'm going to head to bed and think on this some more and hopefully I can get my wording right and not hurt her feelings. Thank you all for your comments and I do truely appreciate both sides of things, and I'll admit I envy so many of you... thank you all and I'm sorry things got a little off track and out of hand lol.
Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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post #34 of 126
Quote:
Quote:

Rules of Cake ordering:

You tell me what you want to spend and I'll tell you what you can have.

OR....

You tell me what you want and I'll tell you how much you will spend.

You do NOT get to tell me all the things you want and set your own price.

As one CC'er put it: This AIN'T Priceline!





I'm having that printed, framed and hung when I open a shop...
Skidoosh...
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Skidoosh...
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post #35 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarbean

I'm sorry, I have to disagree with everyone else on this one. Its your mom. I would just do it for the "free" advertising of everyone eating the cake at the picnic. I quite often do free things for family and I go over the top so that they can be so proud of me and show it off.

Sorry, I would do it for the $20 and make it nice I wouldn't cheap out. I'm sure there are things she does for you where she doesn't charge you KWIM? Babysitting? Errands? Whatever?

icon_smile.gif



Couldn't have said it better myself.
"For I know the plans that I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
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"For I know the plans that I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
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post #36 of 126
I have to say I read this entire post and man oh man....I am so glad I am not the only one that thinks certain things growing up do not just "go away".... there is no such thing as rewind, you only get one chance in this world, you are having this converstion for a reason...."What is your gut telling you?"

From what I read, it is saying"DO NOT MAKE THIS CAKE", so personally I would not do it...not even for the potental business, the business sent your way by your mother really does not sound like business that will be worth it if she is involved in any way.

I know she is your mother and you need the money but there is no amount of money in the world worth the the pain and/or stress it causes to even think about all of the the things that involve your mother. You never want to feel like you owe her anything, it sounds as if you could not ever repay her in her eyes.
Cake delivered.........now breathe!
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Cake delivered.........now breathe!
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post #37 of 126
indydebi, WELL SAID!

I liked you before this (not to mention you make great cakes!!!)... Now I really respect you too!
Mare
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Mare
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post #38 of 126
You know, this would be different if it was a cake for your mom's birthday or a family or personal occasion, but she's bringing it to a work function where there are going to be 30 people.

If I were a mechanic, I'd fix my family's cars for free, but I'd go out of business if I fixed my family's cars and all their friends and coworkers cars for free or too cheap like this. I think you really need to talk to you mom about it again. Maybe she just doesn't realize how much this is going to cost!
post #39 of 126
Sad to say, but Debi's got a great point here.

I read all about how to deal with a manipulative mother in the bookk Toxic Parents. That was about 6 years ago and now our relationship is much better.

My options were 1) kill her and hope for a sympathtic jury; or 2) set boundaries and be firm with them.

One of the greatest things I heard from a friend years ago was "you teach people how to treat you." Now it's a Dr. Phil quote! Nevertheless, it is one of the truest things I have ever heard.

Mom will respect you when you give her no other option. It takes time for her to adjust and it will be painful. She'll pout, yell, tell bad stories about you to other family memembers. You will feel guilty about not playing your role in the game, but eventually she WILL change and you FEEL feel better.

On the other hand: If she doesn't, then ask yourself whether you really want toxic people in your life...no matter what title they hold?

I can see (and understand completely) Debi's smart move to kick people out of her life who refuse to treat her as she deserves. Life's too short to suffer needlessly and waste valuable energy on a lost cause.

Just my $.02

Marianne
It's never too late to live happily ever after.
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It's never too late to live happily ever after.
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post #40 of 126
trust me ohmy- i have a mom almost the same.. very manipulative; storms off to her room and slams the door etc.. when i was at home i had no option to stand up to her or my family but now i do.. one time it took not speaking to my mom for almost 3 months before she finaly got the msg and stopped trying to manipuplate me as much

up untill she developed diabetes a few yearsago she would still call up a and get this tone of voice when she'd complain about anything and everything (to clarify here my mom is also a hyper?chondriac) no i'm not dissing her just saying she is. it got so bad i had to just hold phone away and say "uh huh uhhuh.. yah... oooh" things inher world were always better/ or worse then yours- she already had that- never had that etc.. (shrugs)

even my sister is starting to have a hissy fit cause she can't boss me and manipulate me around anymore (hubby likens her to the wicked witch of the east- i just say my sister has her own diamond mine if you get my drift)

i'm not saying this works for everyone but what salavaged my familial relationshps was distance.

keeping a distance of long distance calling kept mom from calling all the time and we're now "happy" to hear from one another (Phew, what a relief eh?) hehe..

My sister.. well just when i thought we'd reached that point in our lives where we finaly got along and understood one another- she at 41 starts tattling to my dad (who's not even her dad) that i'm bullying her and putting her down for her short hight

um what??

just cause i made a joke in reply to her bossing ME around "naw i'm bigger then you now" or something like that.. yep i "hurt" her feelings over this one.. geesh sis. get a grip. your not the one in control anymore.

even my older brother (both sibs are older btw) is noticing i'm standing up to them now. i'm the same height as my bro and right now heavier since he lost weight lol....

but since my brother was finaly able to meet a Good woman and have kids of his own (long story) he's started keeping in touch with me more.. never woudl before but trust me i cherish this.

i still dont hear from dad much cept when some one thinks someone's dying in our family (shrugs) but.. as dad said a few years ago- just cause he doesn't say it, doesn't mean he doesn't love me.. for the first time though i did say 'yes, but hearing it means so much more " and i did wink at him so he knew i wasn't putting him down. Dad rarely talked much about "meaningful stuff"


well i best put an end to my ramble. hope some of it made sense and helped some where some how etc..
i've gone crazy~ but it keeps me from going insane! heheheh
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i've gone crazy~ but it keeps me from going insane! heheheh
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post #41 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Rules of Cake ordering:

You tell me what you want to spend and I'll tell you what you can have.

OR....

You tell me what you want and I'll tell you how much you will spend.

You do NOT get to tell me all the things you want and set your own price.

As one CC'er put it: This AIN'T Priceline!



I'd like to add one more rule, which I ALWAYS use, and have seen others use as well:

IF I offer a cake, it's FREE...IF you ask for a cake, YOU pay (This includes family, too)

I was raised by a mom very much like indydebi's, and she was a lot like OhMyGoodies' mom too. She taught me all the ways NOT to be a mother. If my mother was still alive, there would be no place in my life for her. Ever.
Anna (105 lbs lost since June 1, 2009)
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Anna (105 lbs lost since June 1, 2009)
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post #42 of 126
now to clarify the comment i made above about my dad not being my sisters dad i didn't mean that to claim territory or such; i meant it to clarify Her territory if that makes sense. basically it wasn't the best way to say she's my half sister. does not mean i dont love her- even after everything i stated- some how i still do. go figure.
i've gone crazy~ but it keeps me from going insane! heheheh
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i've gone crazy~ but it keeps me from going insane! heheheh
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post #43 of 126
All I can say is that I was blessed to have a good mother as a child, but in adulthood, things haven't been that good. She has some mental health problems and tries to manipulate me and my sisters all the time. I would do the cake for cost for her because she did not treat me as poorly as your mother has treated you! I made a decision to eliminate these types of people from my life - and I have never looked back! My MIL wants cheap cakes for her and her friends - I may give her a slight discount occasionally - but I just tell her frankly what I expect.

I know you want to make your Mom proud, it just seems to me that you will never be able to do this (no matter your success or talent). I do agree with IndyDebi that this will make you a much better mother than she ever could be. I can't relate entirely with what you go through but my heart goes out to you - I had tears in my eyes reading those posts!
post #44 of 126
Indydebi, I knew you could put it into words anyone could understand! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif In all seriousness, I respect you for having enough sense to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make something of yourself. It is so easy to continue the cycle of child abuse. Your children are very lucky to have "such a great mom."

I don't think some of these people that are saying that her mom should not have to pay for this cake and cookies understands that she just doesn't deserve special treatment. Not everyone grew up in a "Ozzie and Harriet" family. (Did I just date myself?)

Diane
Lord, If you can't make me thin, please make my friends fat.
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Lord, If you can't make me thin, please make my friends fat.
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post #45 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by KellyAnne1284

I understand what you're saying. She doesn't care. But she IS your mother. I am a mother myself and let me tell you....there is no amount of favors that my 3 year old daughter will ever be able to do for me in her life to repay me for carrying her 9 months, in which I almost lost her a total of 7 times, spend 4 hours a day, 5 days a week at the hospital's prenatal center and the last 4 months (only a 7 1/2 month pregnancy) on bed rest where I missed my yearly family vacation. Not to mention the thousands of diapers I have changes and am still changing. ....



I hear what you are saying Kellyanne, but you CHOSE to get pregnant....therefore why would your daughter have to REPAY you for that? You wanted to be a Mom, you chose that in life whatever it might bring...I don't believe our children owe us anything for our desire to have them......Just my 2 cents. As far as Ohmygoodies issue. It is her mom, but an unhealthy relationship is unhealthy. I would just say, NO, I can't do that. I don't want hard feelings on either side because of money. You feel you should get what you want for whatever you choose to pay or not to pay and I feel like I should be respected for my time, energy, and money.....It isn't worth the battle. You are my Mom and I love you, but I can't afford to do this anymore, both emotionally or financially. The end.
momma to six sweeties: Katie 99, Kam 01, Kalen 02, Kody 03, Klara Jane 05, & Karson 5/08
wife to my submariner hubby Steve since 3/4/99
cake maker extraordiniare (haha) since 12/14/05
cookie lover since 3/07
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momma to six sweeties: Katie 99, Kam 01, Kalen 02, Kody 03, Klara Jane 05, & Karson 5/08
wife to my submariner hubby Steve since 3/4/99
cake maker extraordiniare (haha) since 12/14/05
cookie lover since 3/07
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