Help me stand Up to my mother...... - Page 3

Sorry, but I am getting a little irritated on behalf of Oh My Goodies (hope that's okay If her mother was this wonderful woman who always helped her out or was supportive of her or whatever, then she certainly could entertain the idea of doing the cake or cookies or whatever for the $20 if she wanted. Clearly this is NOT the case. Just because she's your mother, does not entitle her to take advantage of her daughter, no matter how many hours of labor she went thru and how many diapers she changed .

If this was a walk-in-the-door customer Oh My Goodies was talking about, we'd all be telling her to tell the woman to take a hike!!

The reason I am such a great mom (which is what my kids will tell you!) is because I was raised by a psycho-crazy witch woman and she taught me how to NOT be a parent.

Those who were raised by "normal" parents will NEVER understand what it's like to be raised by a narcissistic (sp?), habitual liar, psycho bi*tch whose weapon of choice to use on her children were wire coat hangers and strips of plastic hot wheels race track; by a woman who never took her children to the doctor but the DOGS went to the vet for every little thing. Who played mind games with little kids so we learned that to be on her good side, we had to be "mad" at someone.

Last March, my (retarded) sister died of cancer and it got so bad that another sister had to go to court to get guardianship because in our mother's eyes, it was better that the cancer-sister die so that the mother could play the victim and get the sympathy.

I have zero tolerance for manipulative people. I actually find them humorous because I was raised by the Master Manipulator .... everyone else is STRICTLY amateur! Heck, I watched "Mommy Dearest" and wondered what the big deal was all about ..... that kid had it easy!




KellyAnne, I am not flaming you, but the phrase "she IS your mother" just absolutely sends me over the edge! I DO understand from the rest of your post that it sounds like you had a normal mother, and so the respect you have for her is also normal and understandable. I really do get that.

But I always ask "what does that mean?" Does it mean that parents can do anything they want to their little, defenseless, innocent children and children are just suppose to sit back and accept it as "their due"? Because "she's your mother"???? It's a phrase that is thrown around with little regard to what it actually means.

I say "She's your mother" and that means SHE needs to be respectful of the life she brought into this world; that she has a responsibility to that child she chose to have. I honestly believe there is a special place in Hell for those who harm children .... I believe being a mom is God's Greatest Gift to us who are blessed to be able to have children. I don't take the gift or the responsibility lightly and I have zero tolerance for those who look upon it as a curse in their lives.



Goodies, yes you can disrespect the woman who brought you into this world if she is disrespectful in how she treats you. Being a mom is not an automatic pass .... respect is earned and not just because you popped a baby out one day!

I will NEVER understand the concept that our family is allowed to treat us like sh** and that's ok. You would NEVER accept that kind of treatment from a neighbor or a co-worker, yet people will allow themselves to be walked on by family. And the phrase "but they're family" works both ways ..... they are family and they should treat you at LEAST as well as they treat their neighbors and co-workers!

Many of you know I cut my parents out of my life 15 years ago. I consider her a danger to my children and I will NOT allow my children to be around a dangerous, mentally unstable, psycho nut! I have a responsibility to them and to myself. I choose NOT to have that Jerry Springer drama in my life.

And I have never regretted one minute of it.

Those who were raised by normal parents will NEVER understand what I'm talking about or where I'm coming from. And actually, I'm very happy for you that you can't understand it.

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So....now that I've gotten my ranting out of my system....

Rules of Cake ordering:

You tell me what you want to spend and I'll tell you what you can have.

OR....

You tell me what you want and I'll tell you how much you will spend.

You do NOT get to tell me all the things you want and set your own price.

As one CC'er put it: This AIN'T Priceline!

Goodies, it has been said you can't argue with a crazy woman, so don't try. "Mom, I can't do the cake for $20, so you'll have to go somewhere else." Period. No explanation. NO APOLOGY. Don't argue ... dont' explain. Just state the fact. It took me a long time to learn that.

It's your life and you need to take control of it. It's a hard line to cross but once you do, you will be AMAZED at how much better and stress free your life is. No more head games, no more crazy-making.

I'm having that printed, framed and hung when I open a shop...

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I have to say I read this entire post and man oh man....I am so glad I am not the only one that thinks certain things growing up do not just "go away".... there is no such thing as rewind, you only get one chance in this world, you are having this converstion for a reason...."What is your gut telling you?"

From what I read, it is saying"DO NOT MAKE THIS CAKE", so personally I would not do it...not even for the potental business, the business sent your way by your mother really does not sound like business that will be worth it if she is involved in any way.

I know she is your mother and you need the money but there is no amount of money in the world worth the the pain and/or stress it causes to even think about all of the the things that involve your mother. You never want to feel like you owe her anything, it sounds as if you could not ever repay her in her eyes.

indydebi, WELL SAID!

I liked you before this (not to mention you make great cakes!!!)... Now I really respect you too!

You know, this would be different if it was a cake for your mom's birthday or a family or personal occasion, but she's bringing it to a work function where there are going to be 30 people.

If I were a mechanic, I'd fix my family's cars for free, but I'd go out of business if I fixed my family's cars and all their friends and coworkers cars for free or too cheap like this. I think you really need to talk to you mom about it again. Maybe she just doesn't realize how much this is going to cost!

Sad to say, but Debi's got a great point here.

I read all about how to deal with a manipulative mother in the bookk Toxic Parents. That was about 6 years ago and now our relationship is much better.

My options were 1) kill her and hope for a sympathtic jury; or 2) set boundaries and be firm with them.

One of the greatest things I heard from a friend years ago was "you teach people how to treat you." Now it's a Dr. Phil quote! Nevertheless, it is one of the truest things I have ever heard.

Mom will respect you when you give her no other option. It takes time for her to adjust and it will be painful. She'll pout, yell, tell bad stories about you to other family memembers. You will feel guilty about not playing your role in the game, but eventually she WILL change and you FEEL feel better.

On the other hand: If she doesn't, then ask yourself whether you really want toxic people in your life...no matter what title they hold?

I can see (and understand completely) Debi's smart move to kick people out of her life who refuse to treat her as she deserves. Life's too short to suffer needlessly and waste valuable energy on a lost cause.

Just my $.02

Marianne

trust me ohmy- i have a mom almost the same.. very manipulative; storms off to her room and slams the door etc.. when i was at home i had no option to stand up to her or my family but now i do.. one time it took not speaking to my mom for almost 3 months before she finaly got the msg and stopped trying to manipuplate me as much

up untill she developed diabetes a few yearsago she would still call up a and get this tone of voice when she'd complain about anything and everything (to clarify here my mom is also a hyper?chondriac) no i'm not dissing her just saying she is. it got so bad i had to just hold phone away and say "uh huh uhhuh.. yah... oooh" things inher world were always better/ or worse then yours- she already had that- never had that etc.. (shrugs)

even my sister is starting to have a hissy fit cause she can't boss me and manipulate me around anymore (hubby likens her to the wicked witch of the east- i just say my sister has her own diamond mine if you get my drift)

i'm not saying this works for everyone but what salavaged my familial relationshps was distance.

keeping a distance of long distance calling kept mom from calling all the time and we're now "happy" to hear from one another (Phew, what a relief eh?) hehe..

My sister.. well just when i thought we'd reached that point in our lives where we finaly got along and understood one another- she at 41 starts tattling to my dad (who's not even her dad) that i'm bullying her and putting her down for her short hight

um what??

just cause i made a joke in reply to her bossing ME around "naw i'm bigger then you now" or something like that.. yep i "hurt" her feelings over this one.. geesh sis. get a grip. your not the one in control anymore.

even my older brother (both sibs are older btw) is noticing i'm standing up to them now. i'm the same height as my bro and right now heavier since he lost weight lol....

but since my brother was finaly able to meet a Good woman and have kids of his own (long story) he's started keeping in touch with me more.. never woudl before but trust me i cherish this.

i still dont hear from dad much cept when some one thinks someone's dying in our family (shrugs) but.. as dad said a few years ago- just cause he doesn't say it, doesn't mean he doesn't love me.. for the first time though i did say 'yes, but hearing it means so much more " and i did wink at him so he knew i wasn't putting him down. Dad rarely talked much about "meaningful stuff"


well i best put an end to my ramble. hope some of it made sense and helped some where some how etc..

I'd like to add one more rule, which I ALWAYS use, and have seen others use as well:

IF I offer a cake, it's FREE...IF you ask for a cake, YOU pay (This includes family, too)

I was raised by a mom very much like indydebi's, and she was a lot like OhMyGoodies' mom too. She taught me all the ways NOT to be a mother. If my mother was still alive, there would be no place in my life for her. Ever.

now to clarify the comment i made above about my dad not being my sisters dad i didn't mean that to claim territory or such; i meant it to clarify Her territory if that makes sense. basically it wasn't the best way to say she's my half sister. does not mean i dont love her- even after everything i stated- some how i still do. go figure.

All I can say is that I was blessed to have a good mother as a child, but in adulthood, things haven't been that good. She has some mental health problems and tries to manipulate me and my sisters all the time. I would do the cake for cost for her because she did not treat me as poorly as your mother has treated you! I made a decision to eliminate these types of people from my life - and I have never looked back! My MIL wants cheap cakes for her and her friends - I may give her a slight discount occasionally - but I just tell her frankly what I expect.

I know you want to make your Mom proud, it just seems to me that you will never be able to do this (no matter your success or talent). I do agree with IndyDebi that this will make you a much better mother than she ever could be. I can't relate entirely with what you go through but my heart goes out to you - I had tears in my eyes reading those posts!

Indydebi, I knew you could put it into words anyone could understand! In all seriousness, I respect you for having enough sense to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make something of yourself. It is so easy to continue the cycle of child abuse. Your children are very lucky to have "such a great mom."

I don't think some of these people that are saying that her mom should not have to pay for this cake and cookies understands that she just doesn't deserve special treatment. Not everyone grew up in a "Ozzie and Harriet" family. (Did I just date myself?)

Diane

I hear what you are saying Kellyanne, but you CHOSE to get pregnant....therefore why would your daughter have to REPAY you for that? You wanted to be a Mom, you chose that in life whatever it might bring...I don't believe our children owe us anything for our desire to have them......Just my 2 cents. As far as Ohmygoodies issue. It is her mom, but an unhealthy relationship is unhealthy. I would just say, NO, I can't do that. I don't want hard feelings on either side because of money. You feel you should get what you want for whatever you choose to pay or not to pay and I feel like I should be respected for my time, energy, and money.....It isn't worth the battle. You are my Mom and I love you, but I can't afford to do this anymore, both emotionally or financially. The end.