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Help me stand Up to my mother...... - Page 2

post #16 of 126
I'm sorry, I have to disagree with everyone else on this one. Its your mom. I would just do it for the "free" advertising of everyone eating the cake at the picnic. I quite often do free things for family and I go over the top so that they can be so proud of me and show it off.

Sorry, I would do it for the $20 and make it nice I wouldn't cheap out. I'm sure there are things she does for you where she doesn't charge you KWIM? Babysitting? Errands? Whatever?

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post #17 of 126
I don't charge my family for cakes, or cookies or anything else, ever. I don't understand the concept. They're family. My mother is a nurse and I call her for medical advice at least once weekly. Never once has she said to me, "My hourly rate is $xx.xx, so you owe me $xx.xx for this conversation." My grandmother has watched my daughter on numerous occasions and never once has she said, "Well, your regular babysitter charges $10 per hour and I had (daughter's name) for 13 hours overnight. That'll be $130, missy". My Father is a police officer and I have gone to him for legal help and advice on many occasions....

You get my point...

So, if I were you - and I'm not....but if I were....I'd say this,

"Listen, Mom...I'm totally for doing whatever I can for family, however, money's a little tight right now and the $20 you offered me just won't be enough to cover my expenses. It'll cost me at least $xx.xx to make this cake and I really need you to cover that amount. Of course, I will put the labor in as a favor to you. If you don't want to pay $xx.xx for the cake and cookie expenses, I'd be happy to go to the local bakery and help you pick out some decent products."

She may be crazy, she may be a witch....but she IS your mother. JMHO

***Edited to say***

I know some might blast me for this post. I, personally, just could not imagine asking someone who caried me for nine months, changed my diapers, washed my bottles, ran on 3 hours sleep a night, worked 2 jobs to support me, etc.....I just could never, ever ask her for money (above and beyond what it cost ME) to do her a favor. Same goes for any of my other family members who are always willing to help me, be there for me....without charging a fee for their time, energy or efforts.
post #18 of 126
i've found it's best just to be blunt with pushy people, and don't get emotional about it.

i had a very well to do friend who thought i should just give her cakes....she was giving them to extended family members....co workers etc...i was getting hacked off cause i kept holding it all in....here she was all richy rich with a husband...i'm a single woman, and this is my only means of support.

well....

she IMed me...wanted a full sheet ...filled....and nicely decorated for her grandmas 95th birthday.

so

i IMed her back...saying..."ok...goody goody!...i can sure use the money to put in my savings for the new roof i need on the shop!"

she came in...paid full price, and never ordered another one.

AND LITTLECAKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.......
post #19 of 126
Thread Starter 
See that's the problem she doesn't do anything for us except complain whenever we need something. My brother is the one she breaks her back for and he's a major screw up in and out of jail left and right. But the only reason I feel she should have to pay for the cake is because she's ordering it for other people ya know... if I give it to her she'll continue to want it free in the future and like the last time that cake was really really elaborate (the wrestling cake) and was out of my skill level some but I did the best I could and got nothing for it... she says the $50.00 came a week later... it was a few weeks later and was never mentioned towards the cake until I brought up the fact she didn't pay for it....

Dad... he's the one that does everything and anything for us. So him I don't mind doing stuff for. But mom takes total advantage of us and like with baby sitting, she doesn't ask us she tells us. My DH told her the other night when she said "you guys have the boys over night on saturday" he said no we can't we've got plans already I'm sorry. She laughed and said ok so you can pick them up around 3 ok? lol. And she also informed me that we'd have all 3 boys for an entire week in October while they go on vacation... no offer to do anything for us in exchange... dad offered to buy groceries for the week they'd be here and give me his truck to transport them back and forth that week.

She just doesn't care really.... She knows we are struggling so bad right now to even make ends meet she knows my DH's mother helps us whenever she can with grocery money or bill money or whatever since we only have one vehicle and no way for me to go to work currently... she doesn't care...
Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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post #20 of 126
Oh My Goodies-

Are you a long lost sister that I don't know about? Is your mom a little Japanese woman who everyone thinks is "so cute and so sweet", but in reality might very well be the anti christ? Kinda just kidding.....

It sounds JUST like my mom. She's a manipulating, disrespectful, heifer that needs to be put in her place. I had to start doing that a couple of years ago and believe me it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She still doesn't get it. I had to rip her a new one again this week.

I know it sounds hopeless, but she will probably never change. The good news is you CAN change (i learned this through thousands of $$$ in therapy (not just with her but my grandma on my dad's side too)). My therapist said that sometimes when you change, they change. That hasn't happened for me yet. You should stand up for yourself to her. She needs to understand that treating you that way isn't OK. She won't like it but maybe it will make you feel better. You deserve better.

Good Luck!
Tina
Whitewright, TX
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Tina
Whitewright, TX
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post #21 of 126
Not blasting...

Quote:
Quote:

Same goes for any of my other family members who are always willing to help me, be there for me....without charging a fee for their time, energy or efforts.



This isn't what Goodies is experiencing. She working with someone who is abusing others through manipulation. Her mom doesn't want to offer cost. She calls paying for a cake a loan of grocery money and then wants to know why her money hasn't been repaid yet... This isn't someone you want to be stressing over cakes with all the time. For everyone's health good boundries need to be set in this issue... cakes for cost, fine, but pay the true cost of ingredients; cakes for full price, then I might make it a bit better than normal because you are my mom...
Skidoosh...
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Skidoosh...
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post #22 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by KellyAnne1284

I don't charge my family for cakes, or cookies or anything else, ever. I don't understand the concept. They're family. My mother is a nurse and I call her for medical advice at least once weekly. Never once has she said to me, "My hourly rate is $xx.xx, so you owe me $xx.xx for this conversation." My grandmother has watched my daughter on numerous occasions and never once has she said, "Well, your regular babysitter charges $10 per hour and I had (daughter's name) for 13 hours overnight. That'll be $130, missy". My Father is a police officer and I have gone to him for legal help and advice on many occasions....

You get my point...

So, if I were you - and I'm not....but if I were....I'd say this,

"Listen, Mom...I'm totally for doing whatever I can for family, however, money's a little tight right now and the $20 you offered me just won't be enough to cover my expenses. It'll cost me at least $xx.xx to make this cake and I really need you to cover that amount. Of course, I will put the labor in as a favor to you. If you don't want to pay $xx.xx for the cake and cookie expenses, I'd be happy to go to the local bakery and help you pick out some decent products."

She may be crazy, she may be a witch....but she IS your mother. JMHO

***Edited to say***

I know some might blast me for this post. I, personally, just could not imagine asking someone who caried me for nine months, changed my diapers, washed my bottles, ran on 3 hours sleep a night, worked 2 jobs to support me, etc.....I just could never, ever ask her for money (above and beyond what it cost ME) to do her a favor. Same goes for any of my other family members who are always willing to help me, be there for me....without charging a fee for their time, energy or efforts.



I wouldn't blast you for your comment but you have to also understand that not everyone has a supportive family like you do. If I ask my mom for ANYTHING, I owe her therfore I don't ask her for ANYTHING. I asked her to babysit my kids when they were little and her response was, "you had them, you take care of them." No, my kids didn't have the privelage of having a loving grandmother on my side. I could go on and on about her but I won't. My point is that not all of us were blessed with loving parents.
Tina
Whitewright, TX
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Tina
Whitewright, TX
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post #23 of 126
I understand what you're saying. She doesn't care. But she IS your mother. I am a mother myself and let me tell you....there is no amount of favors that my 3 year old daughter will ever be able to do for me in her life to repay me for carrying her 9 months, in which I almost lost her a total of 7 times, spend 4 hours a day, 5 days a week at the hospital's prenatal center and the last 4 months (only a 7 1/2 month pregnancy) on bed rest where I missed my yearly family vacation. Not to mention the thousands of diapers I have changes and am still changing. The months and months where I literally had to work full time and be a single mom on 2-3 hours sleep, because she had to eat every 3 hours. Do you know how impossible it is to function like that? Cooking, cleaning, laundry....toys, clothing, entertainment, vacations...I love my daughter dearly and I am happy to provide and endure all of these things for her....but if ever a day comes that my daughter expects to be compensated for more than her cost for a favor, it would be a very sad day in my life - even if I knew I was difficult, selfish, etc. Family is family.
post #24 of 126
Thread Starter 
I also made her the all white funeral reception cake. It was for her best friend whom I've known for quite sometime but have never really gotten real close to... but I know her and like her so I did it. I had to borrow money from my dad just to make the damn cake because living at their house in a leaking basement always being sick and stuff.... (just to make sure yall know it wasn't really all that great of a helping hand she gave us by letting us stay and then kicking us out into the street like she's done so many times before like when my daughter was only 6 weeks old after MAKING me move in there...) anyway sorry... I had to borrow the money for the stuff because everything I had on hand got wet during a rain storm (basement leaks everytime it rains hard) and had to be trashed then I didn't have a box or board big enough for it so I had to borrow that from him. He asked me "Who the hell is this cake for and why aren't you being paid for it?" right infront of mom... I looked at her looked at him and said "it's for mom to take to XXX dad's funeral tomorrow" he asked her why she wasn't paying me and she replied very bluntly and matter of fact like "I shouldn't have to pay her for it it's the least she can do" for what?! listening to you complain every day? washing and drying all the laundry in the house? cleaning the house? waiting on you hand and foot so dad doesn't have to at 72 yrs old? taking care of the kids so you don't have to get out of bed?! why is it the least I can do? then she starts crying and goes to her room and slams the door... it's always the same...
Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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post #25 of 126
You can do it Goodies... stand up to her.

KeLLy... At times like these I'm reminded of my hubby's favorite quote...

Quote:
Quote:

Opinions are like *ahem* "noses." Every has one and they all "smell."



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*edited to fix name
Skidoosh...
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Skidoosh...
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post #26 of 126
Wow. I suppose it's just so difficult to envision a family like that....

I am sorry for you and your situation.
post #27 of 126
Suhwa - my name is keLLy, not keRRy, first off. Second off, there's no need to be rude.
post #28 of 126
If the cake was for my mom, I'd do it for free. Since your mom is expecting you to make it for a friend of hers, I would not do it for free. I do not charge my family members for anything, however, if they are getting cakes or candies for friends and co-workers, they must pay full price.
post #29 of 126
Thread Starter 
People are bringing up the mother issue... I love her dearly don't get me wrong. But growing up wasn't like the typical family. She allowed things to happen under her roof with full knowledge of them happening and not doing anything about it. She carried me for 9 months yes, but she went back to work 3 weeks later and I went into day care where I stayed with my sister until our father came to get us, took us home fed us, bathed us, and tucked us into bed after spending an hour on our hair. Mom never did anything but cook. Then when I was 10 I got into trouble in school like most kids do. All that happened was I got detention for not turning in a work assignment on time... She disowned me. Literally. She told my father "I'm done I've had it with her she's yours Beth's mine I don't want anything to do with her at all ever again" and that was the end. We moved when I was 12 she suddenly forgot how to do anything like cooking, or fixing her own drink or anything except isolating herself in her room and sleeping all the time. She has worked all our lives yes, but she's never put any of that money towards us. My father has worked and is still working after he's been retired for a year just to pay the bills. Her money pays for her car, her half of the car insurance, her credit cards, and her nights out. Not to mention her breakfast and lunch at mcdonalds every single day. Her money doesn't go to my nephews care either. They get SSI because of their mother's situation and she uses that (within the guidelines of the law) to take care of their things like clothing and stuff.

I never had the typical life you guys did... I wish I did I've always wished I had that kind of life and I strive to give my daughter what I didn't have. I never had anyone tell me they loved me on a daily basis. I never had hugs and kisses good night or a pat on the back for a job well done... never had any of that. So I'm sorry it may sound selfish and totally wrong but I don't feel I owe her anything...
Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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Happy Cakin! ~*~Becky~*~
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post #30 of 126
Sorry KeLLy, I was doing the quick reply... and I wasn't meaning to be rude. I said we ALL have them and generally they ALL stink. I guess the business of no voice tones allowed in email strikes again.... Darn I thought we all agreed that's what smilies were for.

Oh well... icon_rolleyes.gif
Skidoosh...
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Skidoosh...
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