Look, this isn't easy and it takes a lot of work but you can't have just one person working on things. If he doesn't see that there is a problem then there really isn't anything you can do.

Keep in mind that when I say "see that there is a problem" I mean even just basically recognizing that you are upset and that it is in his power to make you feel better even if he thinks you are a lunatic. I don't understand why my BH freaks out when I momentarily place a wet towel on the bed (my side no less) when he could care less about anything else that goes on in the house but I try to comply cause it seems to make him happy.

It is possible that you are expecting too much. Was he like this when you methim or did he magically transform over night? I realized a long time agao that I had to lower my expectations in some regards. In our relationship there is a 30 / 70 split. I take care of 70 and he is responsible for 30. It sucks but that is what we have found to work for us. Besides, I don't like the way he handles most things and I would just end up nagging him to death trying to get him to do it my way anyway. I stopped asking him to help with laundry and we send it out. I don't expect him to mop or sweep unless some disaster has occured right before his eyes and cooking . . . apparently that was only something he did to get chicks. So we order out when I am not in the mood to cook and I do the mopping and sweeping unless I don't want to then I stage a disaster right before his eyes.

Everyone is offering great advice. I read through some of it but I really think a lot of you are missing the point. the man is totally disregarding her feelings. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!

Even if he thinks you are a lunatic it doesn't seem like he is even interested in listening to you or trying to appease you if only to keep the peace. In a relationship sometimes you do things that don't make sense just cause it brings a smile to the other guys face. Even if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong what is wrong with saying "Wow you're really upset about this. I don't get it but fine I'll mow the lawn, throw out the oranges ect." And those lame excuses . . . they sound like something you might have used on your mother when you were 11. You know what I do. I wait for a bright and sunny day and then at 7am pull back the sheets and say come on chop chop gotta mow the lawn before it rains we have to get the lawn mowed TODAY cause we can't put it off any longer. . . . I think doing it yourself is the wrong approach it will only make you bitter. You have to figure out compromises.

Please go to a counselor. It really sounds like you need a third party to help you guys hear each other.

I don't think I could deal if my BH said he was going to the movies after an arguement instead of attemting to talk it out.

Best of luck to you.

My DH and I have been married 25year this past May. We went through my "crazy time". I would clean and then everybody would leave stuff out. I got so mad one day because, why I was cleaning again, they were watching tv and not helping. The next day why DH was at work, everything that was out of place I threw out in the front yard. Then I went next door and asked "BILL" to help me put the tv outside in the front. When DH came home he saw "BILL" and said "Oh dear God I know I am in trouble now. And "BILL" answered "I think I'm in trouble too. I helped her carry them out!!!! He didn't ask why I was putting TV's out and I didn't tell why. We had our fight and then we sat down and talked. But long story short. You will get through this. And one day probably laugh about it. Just keep praying and counseling. God's got the rest covered. I'll be praying for you also!

I just have the question reading all of these posts/replies... Is my Husband moonlighting on the side??????????

Our house is pretty close to the point of no return, but I'm still holding out hope for the shelving I've got sitting down here in boxes waiting for a bulldozer to come through and move things away from the wall so I can set them up. I suggested to DH that since I'm "out of commission" that I not go on a convention trip for his family's business this week and just stay home while DD is at Grandma/Grandpa's. In this case, I think Grandma could agree that I need some cleaning time because she is always apologizing for her house but she took one look at mine and said she wouldn't do that ever again ..

I think ya'll are ahead of me in the clean arena in that our house is maneuvered best by tunnels. We don't leave food out (both of us are food managers, so we're at least really picky on the thing that counts the most!), but this house is horrible on the sheer amount of clutter.

I also was in the delusion that we're actually going to move. Before we were married, DH was saying that we'd set the date to move at when we had a baby... Well, that was 2 1/2 years ago... Still no signs of moving into a house, building a new place, or building a kitchen space for me. We got to the point of picking out house layouts, but can I get him off dead center to go look for a piece of dirt to build it, NOPE.. ..

Ugh... I'm not asking for a pretty perfect house, I'm just asking for one that has spaces for him, spaces for me, and spaces for DD that we can shut the door on and have people over to OUR house. Before we were married both of us kept houses that were "10 minute clean jobs" now, the last time we had someone over was ... um... little over 2 1/2 years ago when DD was born and we had no choice in the matter. Before that, my baby shower, which is the only time I have seen our house clean (and I was working on it up until the shower was to start and I had to get into the shower!).. Lesson learned... NEVER move into a bachelor pad and expect him to think anything other than you're invading HIS space...

Wow - I wish I had good advice to give, but all I can say is I care, and I'm here and more than willing to listen.
*props to hubby for being smart enough to stay home from the movie to do something important (that's where I would've killed him, if he actually left with his buddies after he ruined my night )

If you want to keep it, you put it away. 'Coz you may not LIKE where *I* put it! [/quote]

Oh my I am not quite that brave. You are definately my hero though!

It's funny how we all seem to be married to the same guy. Unfortunately, it's true that men and women are wired differently and we have to treat the men in our lives like children. I have an 8 month old that still gets up once a night. We were spoiled with our first child in that she started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old. So now, when our son gets up, guess who gets to get up at 3:30AM every day? My husband has told me that he hears him when he gets up so he suffers to??? Or he asks me why I don't ask him to get up to feed the baby. My husband is also infamous for using the scrubber/sponges for dishes and leaving it sit out on the sink. When I ask him why he can't open the same drawer he got it out of and put it back, he says he left it out so it could dry out before he puts it back. UUGGHHH!!! There has been some useful advice offered in this thread, but unfortunately, I think the majority of us can just add our own frustrations and let you know we are in the same boat in some form. I hope things get better for you.

I struggle to keep my house clean and organized. I work part time... in addition to having a 1 and 3 year old. But anyway... my house got bad and overwhelming to the point to where I basically didn't do anything cause it was hopeless. I've been choosing 3 cleaning jobs a day... like cleaning the car, doing the laundry, etc... and though it's not spotless I'm pretty impressed with my self. Just an idea, it works for me.

And as far as the husband part, I do feel that it is primarily my responsibility to clean, but if I ask him to do the dishes and it takes him more than .5 second, there will be a problem.

I hope you guys work it out. Good luck, marriage can be hard at times.

This is a busy topic! I go through this with my husband as well. What I've found that works best for us is to come up with a weekly chart listing the house cleaning/chores that need to be done and assigning them out. That way I don't nag him (which he hates), but he can see what I expect and we both agree to stick to the list. That way the entire house is not so overwhelming if we just focus on a particular room that day. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works, so his chores are pretty light (he works full time), but I do give him certain chores so that he can clean up after himself and I'm not always cleaning up his messes. It works a lot better for us that way. I hope you get it worked out.

Well, I'm not going to add much to this that hasn't already been said. But I just wanted to suggest an AWESOME book that changed my life.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

It is AWESOME and the 6th habit "Synergy" is what you are looking for. "Working together to find a NEW solution not a compromise."

I really recommend it! I think you'd be as touched by it as I am.

Rachel

Wow...all I got to say is that I must have got a catch; lol. I would go insane as would my husband. We have been married for 5 years and have a blended family of 5 children (all living with us) and people walk into my house and state"you have 5 children." We both work full time and go to college and house work and take care of the children...We have taught them that toys stay in the playroom or their room none in the living room or kitchen, dirty clothes go in the laundry basket in the laundry room etc. I guess this disqualifies me for advise execpt to hang in there and take one step at a time.

He's passive-aggressive.
It's a control issue, not a cleaning issue.
Hire a cleaning person/service and lawn care.
He won't like it, but there's only so much of you to go around.
Glad you're seeing a counselor; hope it helps.

I can't offer much help or advise, but I can tell you my story. I am obsessive compulsive and EXTREMELY organized. Clutter and/or the inability to find something sends me over the edge, especially visual clutter, like a sink full of dishes or a pile of clothes. Don't get me wrong, I work 50 hours a week, aside from making cakes, but I pick up after myself... I also raised a teenage boy but he also learned to pick-up after himself and I stayed out of his room . So my house was always spotless and I knew where everything was.

My DH on the other hand, raised two children and worked full-time and NEVER made his children pick up after themselves... EVER! So for the 8 years we dated, his entire house was a pigsty and I couldn't stay there. Last year all three of our children moved out and we got married. It was only after his children moved out and I had a say over the house that I would marry him and move in (he has the larger house).

Since we got married last March I have gone through one room at a time and litterally "cleaned house". However, it was so bad that the carpets, floors, walls and ceilings were also disgusting... it took me three days to clean his kids bathroom after thay moved out... no lie! Anyway, even though the house is clean, it still looks filthy because of the stains on the carpet and the walls. So now we are in the process of remodeling one room at a time. New carpet, new paint, new furniture, new everything. He also knows that once the house is done, we will have a cleaning person come in at least once every two weeks. We finished our master bedroom about 9 months ago and it's my favorite room. Our living room will be getting new carpet and furniture this week and I can't wait to finally have a clean comfortable living room again.

My DH says my obsessiveness drives him nuts but he loves that I am so organized and that I know where everything is... including the tools he always thinks he's misplaced ("Did you look to see if it was put away?", or "Did you look for it where it's supposed to be"?). He told me last week that he never though the mess bothered him before but that now he likes walking into a clean home and he can actually invite people over and not be embarassed by the house.

As far as him helping... I am lucky that he is the type that feels like he should be doing something if I am doing something. Therefore it's usually pretty easy for my to get him to help me... Or I just say "Honey, I have to do this, this and this, so can you help me by doing this for me?" If I ask nice, he always helps.

Otherwise, he knows I'd move out and leave him in a New York minute if I ever have to put up with that kind of mess again. That's how bad my obsessiveness is.

This has been very interesting, sad, and funny reading. I've been married to my DH for over 11 years (both our 2nd marriage) I should have seen the writing on the wall when not too long after we decided to marry, I decided to "clean" his room which was the entire second floor of a cape cod. The rest of the house was neat and tidy for the most part. BUT his room was unblievable!! Took me several days to get through the clutter and trash. I found checks that were months old from clients and the IRS (refunds) that he had tossed on his desk and promptly forgotten. And heaven forbid a magazine should be pitched that has sat for years. Anyway, I married him and for the most part it has been okay. Yeah, the balance of chores done around here is 80/20 and we made the mistake of buying a repo house that needed work, (work he can do, so he won't let me hire it out, but he has NO time to do! He is an awesome dad and a great provider and completely stressed out at his job so he is exhausted when he comes home and not remotely interested in getting the trim up, the floors down and the bathrooms remodeled so . . . I do what I can do and try to not nag, scream or yell out my frustration because he is who he is and all my nagging isn't going to change him. Only God can work miracles and I'll leave Him to it!!

spongemomsweatpants, I can also relate. My DH is also a pack rat and keeps EVERYTHING. I must've tossed 10 old VCR's when I moved in, just as an example. I now tell him if it isn't fixed, or used, within the next 6 months, it's gone. He hasn'r missed anything I've tossed and I've told him, "if you miss it that much, buy a new one".

when we got married, i promised my husband that i would never ask him to help me around the house, he never had to help me clean, he never had to help me with the children, he never had to help me cook, well you get the drift... for all of 4 seconds after i told him this, he thought he had the world by the tale... until.. i said.." as long as you do your share, we'll get along fine, but don't ever, ever think of it as 'helping' me"
why do women who are so strong in so many other areas of their lives become such wussies? take a stand and stand up to it.... laurie

My husband isn't a terrible slob but he doesn't help with cleaning a whole lot either. We muddled along for a long time, but now he's in nursing school (unemployed) and I am the sole financial provider. So, that has made it really hard for me to swallow coming home from work to his messes. He had this thing of leaving his cell phone and charger on the kitchen counter so I had to move it every time I went to cook. I kept asking him not to. Finally I got so mad that I went out the front door and chucked it as far as it would go. Needless to say, he quit leaving his charger on my kitchen counter. I admit that was an over reaction. But that's what I've started doing. When he leaves his stuff laying around I chuck it in the bottom of his closet. When he wants something, he'll have to go dig it out. It hasn't been an over night thing, but gradually he's starting to put things his things in a "safe" place. One other thing we've done is he's taken over a lot of the cooking. He stinks at cleaning, so, hey, cooking is better than nothing. He's also started buying the groceries. took a while for it not to be a screwup, but it was worth it. I'd say keep negotiating out responsibilities. To tell you the truth, I don't think things will ever be fair. My plan is, when he's through with nursing school, I plan on quitting my full time job and go to part time. I think that's the only way there will be a balance of responsibility. It will be a step back for us financially, but I think it will be worth it.

Wow, sounds like your only problem is commications. Sit yourself down, sit him down, and quietly tell him. Tell him it has come to a point you feel out of balance, why, and what you would like him to do, also tell him what your willing to do.
Example:
My hubby works outside all week so when he comes home, he is ready to be inside. I work inside all week so when I am home, I am ready to be outside. So I take care of the yard, sometimes if I need heavy help he chips in. He takes care of the house except for vacumning, I chip in with that. We both take care of the garage, trash hauled away, cooking, washing/drying clothing. So we found a balance somewhat that works for both of us.
That is all you need. Good Luck.

another thing i want to point out to you all, and this applies to both husbands and children... if your way of doing things is the only right, correct way of doing things, pretty soon you will be doing all the things... you have to choose your battles, so what if the towels aren't folded the way you like them, as long as you aren't the one who has to fold them.... just my early morning two cents...laurie

My husband and I are are currently in training to become CMS (certified marriage counselors) for NAME (National Association for Marriage Enrichment). Name offers free marriage counceling through local churches. I have included the link. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.


http://www.nameonline.net/pages/news.php

kaciealexa wrote:

I agree 100%, but it is difficult when you have OCD. My 21 y/o step-son moved back in last month and I'm already ready to leave. I clean the kitchen, he leaves crumbs on the stove. He leave's his dirty cookie sheet on the stove from making his pizza's every other day. He takes a whole box of snack's up to his room and eats the whole box, then I can't find the snack. I think "I'm lossing my mind, I know I bought that last time I went grocery shopping". He leaves his clothes in the laundry room, which for some reason really drives me nuts. He stays up later than DH and I and when we get up in the morning all the lights in the house are on. We have a spare room that used to be a "junk room" or catch all. Mind you we have attic space, but don't get me started on that. Anyway, I cleaned out the junk room and made one small space my closet for off-season clothes. The rest of the room is all our excersize equipment which I plan to use again starting tomorrow when we start weight watchers. I also plan to put a 10" craft table in there in the next couple of weeks so I can get back into my scrapbooking. Well my step-son has spread 5 boxes of junk back in there. I told my DH either have him stuff them in the attic or throw them away but I don't want that room to become a junk room again. That was two weeks ago. Lastly, he throws his cigerette butts all over the yard. It took us a long time to landscape and give the house "curb appeal". DH tells me I'm too hard on him. He's 21 y/o, I work full-time, I'm sick of taking one-step forward and two-steps back when it comes to cleaning the house. My OCD really makes it stressful on me and the guest room, that no one else goes into, is the only room in the house I'm comfortable in because it stays clean.

Also, I was given 4 really nice towel sets as wedding presents from one of the girls I work with. I used to keep them in the upstairs bathroom... for guests. Now that is my step-son's bathroom. At first I let him use the towels, even though we have loads of towels. I told myself "self, they are just towels, they can be replaced". However, yesterday I noticed them on his bedroom floor... when I was putting his clean towels that have been in the laundry room for a week away. One of the good towels had a stain on it. I silently (in my own mind) went bezerk, found all the good towels, washed them, folded them, and hid them so that only I know where they are. That way they will still be nice, and clean, when we have guests. Is that crazy???

My doctor offered me a prescription for my OCD but the up-side of my OCD is I'm very obsessed (in a good-way) about our budget, finances and bill paying, and I'm very organized. I'm afraid if I take something to ease the "cleaning/neat-freak" obsession, everything else will suffer too.

I raised my son, I've already gone through picking up after kids. They all moved out, the house was ours and I had a say, it stayed clean... especially since I gave up my house when we got married this past March. Now one of the kids is back and I no longer feel like I have a say, I bring it up to DH and it causes an argument. Then he stays grumpy because he knows something is bothering me but I won't tell him what because I'd rather suffer silently than argue and nag all the time. But honestly, how frickin' hard is it too pick up after yourself and have some respect for others in the house?

I know, I just posted two weeks ago about how DH helps out... but he isn't the problem.

I also know, I'm ranting, but I feel better after the vent I've been obessing about this for three days now, to the point it's making me sick.

Can you tell?

I have to laugh. When my DH and I have an argument and he knows he's crossed the line he starts to vaccum.

But when he vaccums, he lifts everything off the floor, clothes, mags, sundry items etc. and LEAVES them where he has put them. He never replace anything and it really S@@TS me. But should I complain?? NO NO NO. As hard as it is I look away, bite my tongue and just leave it that way. Sooner or later the items will evolve back to whence they came.

I don't clean anymore. I have a camphor chest that I have Japanese dolls and figurines on in my bedroom. It became a clothes holder. My dolls were smothered, fallen over and that was the end of that. I try to make things look nice and it just gets trashed.

I bought my DH a nice vintage clothes hanger, you know with the jacket hanger, pants hanger and place for "gentleman's" shoes on the bottom? Well, the pants, the shirts get slung over the whole top of it and you would never know whats under it. Shoulda just placed an old kitchen chair in the bedroom - it would have looked the same. Now the coat hanger part has broken off. Does he care? S@@IT N O!!!!

I shouldn't complain about my DH 'coz he does clean, esp. when I make a mess in the kitchen, But I've given up cleaning, 'coz no-one respects it. When things are in order it's very quick to relaise when it's out of order. Once it's out of order, the look doesn't change for ages - 'coz it's out of order anyway.

He does always ask me where things are though. And I know where all his stuff his. OH I could go on , and this subject is in everyone's life.

Don't consider yourself so special that your DH is one of a kind. We all have our untidy demons. And yes at times I am guilty, but I do clean up when I have time to do it.

My dad used to cut his toenails and just leave them where they fell in the LOUNGEROOM. My mum would pick them up and put them in his bed.

Don't get cranky and frustrated..... GET EVEN!!!!

I actually moved myself out of our ensuite in the bedroom 'coz I couldn't stand sharing the bathroom with my man. I have my own bathroom and it's neat and tidy and smells pretty. He has to clean his own bathroom, toilet etc. I don't even go in there anymore.

LOL my mom said I should use the bathroom upstairs and leave the downstairs one to my hubby.... it's a thought He's cleaning right now though - we're finally getting rid of some things.... the trash guys won't know what to do on Wed.... we're going to have a HUGE pile of trash from cleaning! YEAH I don't know how long it will last..... but it's a BIG step in the right direction!

[quote="Kimskakes23336"]kaciealexa wrote:

NO you are not crazy.

I treated myself to some very luxurious towels from Country Road and the first time my DH used them decided to clean the bathroom. He didn't pick up the floor towel. My DH LOVES using EXIT mould or chlorine bleach to clean the shower. Well you can guess what happens. My beautiful choclate brown fluffy floor towel had a ghastly red stain where the dye was bleached out of the towel

I was SO MAD

Why do I bother???

And I can't cope if he puts the blanket on the bed the wrong way - you know, the label at the top end. I can't stand the sheets being crooked and not evenly laid on the bed. I can't cope when he mismatches his pyjama's. He'll wear atop that belongs to anther bottom. IThat enrages me too. I know thats really sick but I admit I have a slight problem of things matching. I am a Libran after all - Need balance.

And when I used to be in the bathroom together with my DH I could not stand him getting mismatched towels out of the cupboard. I'd yell at him and say , no Yell, "CAN'T YOU GET THE RIGHT TOWELS?????" Poor thing would just look at me as if to say, what have I done???