Very Upset - Dh Thinks I Shouldn't Give Them My Cake :-(

Decorating By emmascakes Updated 30 May 2007 , 7:59am by emmascakes

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emmascakes Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:16am
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I've spent the last two weeks decorating a tiered fruit cake for one of my oldest friends weddings. They'r getting married this weekend in London. I haven't been asked to make 'the' wedding cake and I would think this is because they're not having one, the wedding is very non-traditional; they're getting married alone in a registry office and then there's a reception/party in a smart pub down the road. There's no sit-down food and we've all been told not to dress in suits etc.

I haven't bought them a present as my gift was going to be this cake. It's thre tiers and I've deliberatly not decorated it like a 'wedding' cake. It's bright and elaborate and has taken me ages. I asked dh about it beforehand and he said it was a lovely idea. Anyway, it's nearly finished now and he's suddenly decided it's not a good idea to give it - they might have another proper wedding cake and me taking mine might look like I'm trying to upstage theirs or even make a snidey point that I wasn't asked to do the cake.

We've known each other since primary school (25 years) and we're not as close as we once were as we live so far apart but we all get together several times over a year for holidays etc. One of our number killed herself in December 2006 and it's the first opportuniy we've all had to really celebrate something since. If I don't take the cake I could auction it for charity at school so it wouldn't be wasted. But it's too late to buy another gift now and I don't want to show up empty handed.

I make cakes and it's the only gift I can think of that would show how much I care about them. I'm totally disheartened and very upset about it all. The wedding is tomorrow. The cake isn't finished and now I don't even want to finish it.

What should I do?

91 replies
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Ursula40 Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:22am
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Follow your heart that's all I can say. it's your friend and if you would like to give cake, well that's your decision. You put your heart into it and they might not have a proper wedding at all

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emmascakes Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:28am
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I just don't know anymore. DH has knocked the heart out of it now. I don't want to create an embrassing moment in their big day.

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LeeAnn Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:42am
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Emma I would ring her up and have a little chat and say are you having a cake? Get the answer and go from there! To tell you the truth I would do exactly the same thing in fact my friend bought a cake (cheap) as a present to give her friend as she was not having a cake. Let me tell you men certainly do not think like us. Simply never ask them just do it. GOOD LUCK

Lee-Ann

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tcturtleshell Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:44am
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emmascakes

I just don't know anymore. DH has knocked the heart out of it now. I don't want to create an embrassing moment in their big day.




DH's tend to do that without even trying. If you've known this friend for 25 yrs then why can't you just tell her you have made a cake? I wouldn't tell her how elaborate it is or what it looks like just that you made it especially for her as a gift. I know I would be totally thrilled to have a cake friend do me a cake! Just talk to her. If there is another bought cake involved, which a friend or family member wasn't the one to make it then I would still bring your cake~ I just wouldn't take it if a family or friend made another one. That might hurt their feelings. But if your friend said it was ok then I'd bring it. I do not think it is upstaging. Your heart is in this so I do believe you should take the cake thumbs_up.gif

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That is so tragic.

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berryblondeboys Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:46am
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Is there a way you can feel it out? If they KNOW you do cakes and you are invited, I would think they would be EMBARASSED to have another cake knowing you make them. I truly believe that they aren't having a cake and even if they are, a card or a note attached to the cake saying, "This is the only way I know how to express to you my love and hope for your future happiness... know that this cake comes straight from the heart"

or something like that.

Melissa

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Lazy_Susan Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:48am
post #7 of 92

Emma,
I agree that you should call her and talk to her. The Calla Lily Illusion Cake in my Photos was a gift that I gave to my friend and she loved it! I'm sure your friend will love yours as well.

Lazy_Susan

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JanH Posted 25 May 2007 , 10:57am
post #8 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeeAnn

Let me tell you men certainly do not think like us.




I feel your original decision to make a non-traditional wedding cake (as your gift) because they're not having a traditional wedding and reception was thoughtful and inspired.

If it makes you more comfortable, do call and chat with the bride-to-be....

JMHO

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franjmc Posted 25 May 2007 , 11:13am
post #9 of 92

Emma! How could ANYONE be anything but thrilled by a getting cake from you? She'll love it and you shouldn't listen to your hubby, take the cake with you, give it to her and have a wonderful time, like you said, you make cakes, in my opinion, great cakes. Give her the cake.

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grama_j Posted 25 May 2007 , 11:18am
post #10 of 92

Hey....... you HAVE to get there some how....... Finish the cake, and leave it in the vehicle while you go in and check if there is a cake there..... If there is, wait until later in the day to give it to her..... if not, bring it in and set it up.....It is STILL YOUR gift to them, and I think they would LOVE it.......

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oilili Posted 25 May 2007 , 11:33am
post #11 of 92

Emma,
If I understood well, you are talking about a "male" friend. If that's so, do you know the bride quite well? How do you feel about calling her up directly? Just say what you have done and if the answer still is "no", you will just have to accept that no matter how much you are hurt. Would there be any misplaced jealousy anywhere from her side? Some women can get pretty nasty and she might feel the need to think shes is the one who is in control of her own wedding.

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emmascakes Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:12pm
post #12 of 92

Hmmm. I think maybe Oilili has got a point. The person who is my friend is the groom. I don't even know Rachel's number to call and ask her (the bride). I have emailed our mutual friends to ask what they think and one has got back to me saying I should bring the cake, but again he's a man and men are sometimes hopeless.

I have been working on the cake all day. I decided that even if I don't give it to them I still want to finish the cake whatever the outcome, at least it will be a photo for my portfolio and I've practised some things I haven't tried before.

I still just don't know what to do.

I guess she could be jealous. Women are odd creatures (oh admit it, we are!). Ive known Joel forever. I guess making a gift for both of them is my way of saying I am happy for both of them and wish them a great future together. I think maybe I should forget the idea. I'll post a picture later when I'm done, the cake that never was!

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tcturtleshell Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:19pm
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Wow, Oilili is a better listener then me! I didn't catch that you were friends with the groom, I went back to read it again & still didn't catch it. icon_rolleyes.gif That's how observant I was at 5am this morning! LOL!!

If you know 100% that there will not be another cake there then I would bring your cake thumbs_up.gif How could she be jealous of you... she's got the groom! LOL! icon_wink.gif I think she would be honored & totally humbled by getting a free cake from you & one filled with so much love~ She's a lucky, blessed bride!! Give her the cake!!! thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gif

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emmascakes Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:26pm
post #14 of 92

I don't 100% know there won't be another cake and none of my friends have replied letting me know either. I imagine there won't be as everything else s so non-weddingy, but I don't know for sure. Why oh why aren't I a furniture designer or something? I could then give tables as gifts and not worry about offending anyone!

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oilili Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:27pm
post #15 of 92

Just one more thing: most people DO NOT realise how much work, how many days and hours are hidden behind a cake... so if you do take it along with you do tell them "I have spent the last two weeks and the last intensive 48 hours preparing your cake, I hope you enjoy it!" icon_rolleyes.gif

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revel Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:37pm
post #16 of 92

Emma i would LOVE to get a cake from you. Wether i was getting married or not! lol..does that make sense? I just got off of night shift. I'm blurry!

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manderfrog Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:41pm
post #17 of 92

Do you have a way to get in touch with either of their parents? They might could give some insight as to whether there is another cake or not. Good luck!

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JRAE33 Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:43pm
post #18 of 92
Quote:
Quote:


Wow, Oilili is a better listener then me! I didn't catch that you were friends with the groom, I went back to read it again & still didn't catch it. That's how observant I was at 5am this morning! LOL!!




Don't feel bad...I read it twice (and I've already been up a couple of hours) and still haven't caught it either icon_smile.gif I was thinking all along it was the bride who was the friend and couldn't imagine why she wouldn't love the gift! I still think it's a lovely gift, but do some what worry about the bride IF they do have another cake. Perhaps just call your friend and feel out the situation. I'd hate to think of you auctioning off a cake that you put so much time, effort and love into. Especially when it could bring so much joy to the happy couple. Jodie

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banba Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:44pm
post #19 of 92

I would give the cake. I cannot think of anybody who would not like a gift of a lovely cake. Come to think of it I cannot think how a cake could possibly ever offend anybody either!

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projectqueen Posted 25 May 2007 , 2:49pm
post #20 of 92

Oh, I would definitely give them the cake.

Could you speak to your male friend, the groom, and see what he has to say about it? That's what I would do.

I would just call and say "I know you two are not having a formal wedding but I made a special cake for you and was planning to surprise you with it tomorrow. My DH just brought up that it might not be appreciated or in good taste to just show up with it so I wanted to double-check with you first since I wouldn't want to offend anyone."

Then just see what he says and take it from there. I guess being friends for 25 years you should be able to say that to him.

Good luck.

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Ursula40 Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:01pm
post #21 of 92

Hi Emma,
quite honestly now, how else can you as an artist express in any way better how happy you are for the couple? A composer would write a piece of music, a singer just get up and sing her joy out aloud, you as a cake artist, well, you make a cake. All your love and feelings go into that, it shows in everything you make, you can't help yourself. I really cannot imagine someone not seeing it. Yes, if it makes you feel better, give a warning to the family, that that is your gift from your heart. But I for one, would see it the way it was intended, an expression of joy and happiness and yes also of love and thoughtfulness for what was in your friendship and your hope of this friendship being extended to the bride in future

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thecakemaker Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:05pm
post #22 of 92

I like what projectqueen said. If you don't wish to do that, could you call the pub or venue and ask them if they are planning on having cake and could you bring one?

Good luck
Debbie

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rustyk10 Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:06pm
post #23 of 92

Hi Emma

If you find they already have a cake, you could always have a quiet word with the bride and explain that you wanted to find out if there was anything she would particularly like, as a present, rather than risk duplicating something she my already have.

Peacocks (long way from home!)

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girltrapped Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:07pm
post #24 of 92

Can you ever have to much cake? icon_rolleyes.gif Your cake is from a dear friend, filled with love wishing a new husband and wife best of luck in their future. How could that offend anyone? Take the cake!

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Ironbaker Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:07pm
post #25 of 92

Good luck emma, I'd try my best to try to find out if there will be a cake.

I agree with ursula that you are just showing your love and I can't see how anyone would be offended by it, even if your friend is the groom and not the bride. And it's all about how you present it. "I wanted to show my love and best wishes for you all through my art...etc.."

And I'm still stumped on how oilili realized it was the groom and not the bride! LOL icon_lol.gif No gender was mentioned that I noticed. Good eye/ear Oilili. thumbs_up.gif

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harmonhouseofraymond Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:07pm
post #26 of 92

Emma,

I remember when you first wrote about if you should make the cake originally. There was a little peice of information in that first message that may be over looked -

Let me preface by saying your cakes are extrodinary I would love to be given your cake - unless I was this bride - not because you are his good friend but because once upon a time you were his "Good friend" (wink wink) If I was the bride on this day above all else I do not want to be reminded of what kind of friends you guys really were. Does that make sense - I know the past is the past but . . . maybe during the party you can buddy up to her and offer to give her the cake afterward or make her something for the first anniversary -

I really do love your cakes!

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Ironbaker Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:12pm
post #27 of 92

Ahhhh, we missed the first conversation to this. icon_smile.gif

That does shed a bit more light but the past is the past. And you'd like to hope that everyone is mature about it all. She is the one marrying him and Emma was invited - with her own DH. It's a gift for the COUPLE, not just for him.


it would be nice if you could talk to the bride.

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robinleah Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:35pm
post #28 of 92

asking the parents or the pub is a great idea. Take the cake. let the bride know that is for her and not the husband for past friendships. this is for the new friendship you may share. Everybride deserves a beautiful cake. like the one you want to give

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superstar Posted 25 May 2007 , 3:41pm
post #29 of 92

Emma, I feel for you.
If you are friendly with the bride, I would call her & have a chat. If you do not know her very well I would contact the groom & I would also try & call the mother of the bride. I do hope you give them your lovely gift & don't forget to post a picture.

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ombaker Posted 25 May 2007 , 4:02pm
post #30 of 92

After looking at your portfolio I say give them the cake. Even if there is a traditional wedding cake there yours is a gift. It's not meant to replace the wedding cake but it's a work of edible art that comes from the heart. Be specific when you see the bride and tell her how heart felt this creation is. How can she feel jealous or put-out? I would think anyone would be thrilled to have a gift that was created with love and good wishes.


BTW, can't wait to see the pic!!

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