I agree with so many of the post. I started cakes when I was in high school it put me through college, it good money and FUN! and the a certain amount of pride when your cake turns our beautiful and taste wonderful. I have started back up after a 10 years pause and my husband is very supportive now compare to then. I too had a husband that when the kids were little did not want me to do anything that require him to help out and do stuff but I realized then as he realizes now I have to be happy and if I am happy our relationship works better. Men are not at all like women they say stuff that they think are just words but for us it's an arrow through our heart. I still have the same husband 27 years now and we did counseling and it help. The one advise I can give that I wish I had learn early in my life is to sit and talk, not yell, not accuse, not point fingers, just learn to communicate. I know what you are talking about when it come to no support as a child. As a child my mother always told me I never be anything. But my kids showed me different. I am a wonderful mother, who is talented and make beautiful cakes.

Don't quit and PUSH (praying until something happens)

Don't give up. My husband is basically the same. I took my decorating classes at our local community college, taught by a master chef, I loved every minute of it. I didn't take these classes to go into the business it was just a desire I always had and love of baking. Well now my family relies on me for the occasion cakes. Just last week I made my nieces 1st b-day cake and all he kept saying was "what a waste of time, you'll never have any spare time now, and this is turning into an expense." Basically, I ignore him but there are times when I let it out. I just point out that I don't complain about the time he spends gardening or playing cards with his buddies and he shuts up. So don' t give up something that is enjoyable and relaxing to you to please a husband!!!!

[quote=
Giving ultimatums will do no good, nor will snide comments to him. But, perhaps an early morning chat, over breakfast at a restaurant w/o kids can start a nice dialog to start hammering out the real issues here. My money is on the fact that if you gave up decorating, hubby will find something else to be critical about until you work out what is truly bothering him. Just my two cents (well, actually, $2). Please don't take offense as this was not meant to be offensive in anyway. Good luck and pm me if you like. This SAHM has your back, sister. [/quote]

I agree with this. There's probably something more bothering him than a little powdered sugar on the countertops. Sweetie, you have to be the grown up here - take a deep breath - pray like the dickens, and have a heart to heart. Reactions like his usually come from fear, and although he'll not easily admit it, you can try to draw it out of him and figure out what his REAL concern is. My bet is that he feels things are out of balance. And if you work together you can tip the scales in favor of your PARTNERSHIP. Don't give up. God Bless You!

To Scrapmomof3- I'm also a SAHM and decorate cakes more for my own sanity than for any other reason. It is a creative outlet. I get to see something being built, coming to fruition- much unlike cleaning the house, which never stays clean for long... as soon as it's done it just gets undone! Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband. As a SAHM it is not selfish to need to do something just for YOU. You are a person, too!! All day long we SAHM's exist to serve others. Wanting something to call your own is not only reasonable but healthy. I'm to the point where I now fully expect my husband to pitch in with household chores when I'm working on a big cake, and he always comes through. I give you so much credit for not just blowing up!! If I were in your shoes I don't think your husband would know what hit him! I don't mean to sound critical or overstep my bounds, but his behavior sounds very selfish. A long time ago I left home for a weekend to go to a conference, leaving my husband with childcare, cooking and cleaning. Perhaps your husband needs a taste of your life in order to appreciate you and what you do... and your need for something of your own. When I returned from that conference, the house looked like a tornado went through it, there were take-out containers everywhere, and both child and husband ran to me, hugged me, and thanked me profusely for coming home! I've never had problems with him pitching in to help me ever since that weekend, nor have I had any trouble getting him to understand my need for my own interests. Good luck!

Sorry...I totally Disagree with all you ladies. I value my husbands opinion. So her husband is not supportive of her cake decorating? There has gotta be a reason why. It could be that he needs more attention and feels like this cake decorating stuff takes up a lot of time(which it does). Time away from him.
He sighs as she is making a cake...the kitchen is a mess!(I'm sure that it is). So he sighs.....more time away from him...we all know how long clean up takes! These could or could not be the reasons that he is not supportive.
HOWEVER>>>> how far will she get with an attitude of screw you, I'll do what ever I want and disregard her husbands feelings? Oh yeah...that will straighten him out...that will MAKE him change his ways...I don't think so.
Men are so much more delicate than they want us to know. They look to us for love, security, reinforcement etc. Instead of when he sighs and you say " you just don't want me to be happy, or you are jealous or whatever" Turn to him and say..." Ya know...I was thinking...this kitchen is a mess...If it bothers you when I make cakes I'll try to do it when you are at work and have this mess all cleaned up by the time you get home...would that be all right with you honey?" HE WILL PROBABLY DROP DEAD WITH YOUR KINDNESS! Making your husband feel that HE is MORE important than anything else is really what he wants.
Your husband works hard all day...when he walks through the door, rush to greet him with a kiss, ask him how his day was. Offer to get him something to drink...make him feel like the king, even if he does not deserve it and pretty soon he will treat you as his queen.



Or just get a back bone and do what you want. make your cakes, make a mess, get a job, go to the Wilton class and pretty soon you and your husband are fighting sooooo bad that one of you leaves the marriage. Ahhhh Perfect! Now you are A Single lady..no husband(now you gotta get that job just to pay the bills) and your house will be a mess all the time cause your at work..paying those bills and no one is there to clean it. That is if you even get to keep your house. But at least you will get to keep doing your cake decorating.....Which one sounds better to you?

First of all I don't think it is very kind of ya'll to be calling this man names. You don't know him and the reason he is acting this way. Frankly, even if my hubby wasn't being supportive and someone called him an A**H** I would be very angry. I'm sure she loves this man, she's just frustrated.

Now I'm climbing down from my soap box.

Second, I totally agree with everyone that you need to calmly talk about this. A lot of marriages have ended because the couple didn't communicate. Sometimes it's not easy, but if you want to be happier you need to talk about this.

I'm still trying to get my hubby to understand the cleaning thing. Sometimes when a spouse isn't around the children constantly they don't understand how much work they take. Not to mention that at my house I can clean something and then the next moment it is dirty again. (Kind of like that Fabreeze commerical). I could clean all day, but then my kids would not get the attention they need. Does your hubby help out around the house? If he doesn't maybe he needs a few chores just like the rest of the family.

Good luck and I'm very glad you decided not to quit.

Rhondie- with all due respect I have to suffice it to say that as a proud feminist and woman's college graduate... you and I couldn't possibly see this issue more differently. What you describe sounds straight out of the 1950's and would be my own personal hell to live. I don't think most of us are saying to have a "screw him" attitude, and I think many of us agree that there is probably a deeper issue to get at. Communication truly is the key here, I also agree. It's not expecting too much to want support for something one enjoys, but I think some good 'ol communication may be needed in the case of scrapmomof3. Also- I'm sure scrapmomof3, just like every SAHM, works hard all day long too. Whose getting us our drink after a long day, anyway?!?! (Yeah, right!) I think toristrests has a great idea, asking him to pitch in if he doesn't already. That way scrapmomof3 will have some more time to spend with her husband and everybody wins.

I did tell my husband about this thread this morning. He was perplexed. As a "cake husband," he's happy as can be as he knows he gets to taste test and serves as a guineau pig for all my experiments! What is it that's always said about the way to a man's heart?

let me start by saying that there are ladies that work outside the home and go through the same thing...i can understand where a sahm would be frustrated at the lack of support given by her spouse when all she wants to do is to have something of her own..is that so wrong? i did not have the privilege of being a sahm and i had to work to keep mine and my daughter's head above water...i have finally found something that gives me a break from the rat race and i totally enjoy it...everyone is entitled to do something that makes them happy.....her husband has deeper issues than what we are privy to and for you, rhondie, to say the things that you say as far as being a single lady and having to get a job to pay your bills, i just hope that you don't find yourself in a position where you will have to do that..men are not babies and should not be treated as such...you shouldn't have to mollycoddle your husband in order to do something for yourself...what kind of compromise is that? you are in the home, taking care of everything that needs to be taken care of, you are there for him and your children..you are there to rub his back when he has had a bad day, you are there to listen to him when he wants to tell you all the good things, you are there in everyway, shape and form and all you ask is for support when you want to do something for yourself and it's being witheld...is that fair? when you say "get a backbone and do what you want" what do you think the definition of a wife is? she IS the backbone of the marriage...that is what makes this so sad...not being recognized as such in a situation like this...i hope her husband realizes just how much she does for her family and gets a grip before its too late...just my 2 cents

OH MY GOD, There is just NO WAY I would do the things Rhondie is saying Hello its 2007 I say take a stand and tell your husband that this is what makes you happy and he should be happy for you, nothing wrong with working around him but it should be a give and take.

I knew I would be the minority. Another woman's hell is Rhondie's euphoria. I came home not feeling too hot yesterday. My husband was home before I was. He rushed to me...realized that I was not feeling well and had me sit while He got me something to drink. After lots of I -love -yous and kisses on the check he says...baby don't you worry...I'll make dinner tonight. He made me sit down and he tended to me like the most devoted servant. He kept asking me "what else can I get/do for you?" He kept fetching me blankets and sat beside me keeping me company. If the kids were in need he was Johnny on the spot! Keep in mind I was not deathly ill, not even sick...just had a long day out and was mentally exhausted.

The definition of a wife to Rhondie is a help meet. I was designed to "help" my husband...not be a doormat. As you just read I was not treated as one.(doormat) As I respect my husband he respects me!

The backbone in my marriage is by design..my husbands! I did not design it this way, God did. Can't be made at Rhondie..only God.

There is a healthy middle ground and it's based on respect and love. My husband waits on me as much as I wait on him - but he also does the dishes. Just because one is working outside of the home doesn't mean the one at home isn't still working. In a team, each member takes care of the other. It isn't left to one person to carry the load. Each member needs support. There is nothing worse than being alone in a house full of people.

Rhondie,

I think you make a good point. I agree that a wife should be loving, just as a husband should. Your description of the way your husband treated you is just like what I experience regularly with my hubby, BUT wouldn't you agree that a line needs to be drawn somewhere regarding one's own interests?

Part of having a good marriage is allowing the other to be independent and pursue their own interests independently without negative criticism. Part of being in a good marriage is understanding the other's personalitiies and so-called "flaws" and having the patience to work around them for their partner's own happiness.

So, yes we should all be loving and get our spouses water if he's parched, and rub his back if he's had a bad day, but we should also feel COMPLETELY free to pursue our own interests. We have to do what makes us happy in the end. If we don't, our husbands won't be happy and then it's a failed marriage.

This is Your hobby,Your dream so don't give it up. Sometimes husbands and kid think all we are good for is the bed, the kitchen and the baby carriage. Not so! I remember when my dh told be that I should quit cake decorating be cause of the stress. Yea right stress. the stress was when ever i was doing cakes, the kids was either fussing and argueing or don't want to clean up and expect me too. I told him that he is not going to take this away from me and stood my ground. Hon you got one life to live on this earth and this life is not just for cooking cleaning and waiting on folks. You have dreams too.

Lets not attack rhondie for her views, we all have different marriages and what works for her, may not work for some of us, but that doesn't mean that its not right for her!

My husband and I are partners and best friends, I don't always get "my" way and he certainly does not always get his way (remembering back when we were house hunting and he fell in love with every house....and I was the picky one--course now he tells everyone that I was RIGHT). I personally believe that God created us equal and that we should all honor, cherish and love each other, but I do have some very close friends whose religious beliefs include that a woman be submissive or subservient (sp?) to their husbands...but who am I to judge...if it works for them and they are happy....more power to them!!

Ok I will get off my soapbox but I didnt want this thread to turn into attack mode!!!

Hi,
Wow this has been a hot topic! LOL
I have to chime in here to even though there has been a ton of response already. First let me tell you I raised 4 children which 3 of them are now off on thier own and my baby of 16yrs is the last one here. I was a sahm mostly because that is what my husband wanted also. I don't regret staying at home but I do know how you feel about needing more!! I agree with everyone that you need to keep doing what you want. With that said you do need to sit down with your hubby and talk this out too!! Maybe it would help if you bought a few cake dummies to practice on. That would cut down on the mess and expense since you could just make frosting and then scrape it off when you are done practicing. Maybe you could set aside a certain time each week to work on your cakes. Setting a schedule sometimes help with keeping track of what needs to get done. If you set a time everyone will know that its "your time" and that might help. Keep your chin up and talk to hubby to see how he really feels. but I've been married 28 yrs and I still haven't figured out my husband yet!!! LOL

Wow!!! This is certainly a hot topic!!!! I think that everyone makes great points - now if we could all put them together and then things would hopefully work out. Being submissive to a man is "for the birds" unless he is submissive to you. But, how many are???? LOL!!! I agree that you should talk to him about your feelings and hopefully he will understand. If he does not understand then at least you tried the communiciation approach - and then you should do it anyway. My husband is very controlling - thanks to the military - LOL!!!! I would not say that my husband is not supportive, but even when I do cakes - he supervises and has to put his two cents in on every cake that I do - like he is Colette Peters or something - LOL!!!!! If your husband has a problem with the mess then tell him that he can clean it up if it would make him feel better or you will clean it up after you finish. More likely he will wait on you to clean it up.
I think that men should help a lot more around the house. I think that SAHM are very unappreciated. I think women are very unappreciated!!!! I think that we need a reality show that men and women swap for the week and try each others life. Man, that would be entertaining!!!
Life is too short to live an unhappy life and you never know what is going to happen. So, be able to support your family if something were to happen to your husband. ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN B!!!!
As far as, skydiving - that was his hobby and he has a problem with you doing cakes - LOL!!! LOL!!!! There is no comparison in those two hobbies. Now, when you are decorating your cake as you are bungee jumping or skydiving - then I could see his frustration.
Go buy him some golf clubs and some lessons or a gift certificate to Hooters or both and I think that you will have plenty of alone time to do your cakes, take care of the kids and the house - LOL!!!
Do what you love - cakes - involve him and talk to him - if he still does not agree - do it anyway - if he loved you - then he would respect your feelings. If he does not then you do not need him.
If you need support come to CC - there are a ton of supporters on here!!!

maybe you could take him on the Dr. Phil show?

I feel as a wife I am there to compliment my husband and he is a compliment to me. If I know my husband can do something to make himself a better person, I push him to do it if I know he can. Example of this is my husband just finished his BSBM (bachelors science in business management). This was the second time he attempted to go back to school while working full time and going to school full time. He went to University of Phoenix which is a college geared specifically to working adults. I told him "You are going to finish school, even if it means that my foot is up your butt." Trust me it hasn't been easy, but he did it- he finished. His graduation ceremony will be held on June 2nd, you better believe that when he walks across the stage I will be cheering as loud as I can (and crying at the same time).
When you decide to talk to your husband about what is going on, sit down next to each other instead of staring at him the whole time. Tell him that you love him and that you are concerned about how he his doing and that you need this creative outlet to make you happy. Maybe you can help him find a new hobby, or maybe you can include him in your newfound hobby.
Being submissive doesn't mean you're supposed to get stepped on, your opinion should still be heard and respected, and perhaps take precedent over what your husband's opinion is because it is the better idea.

However you decide to handle this, I wish you luck. I know that sometimes cake decorating is time consuming and I know at times my husband is a little disappointed when I have orders and we can't do things socially. I am very fortunate that he does support me with this. I even taught him how to make icing!

I hope you can work through things and your husband will see past the "cake mess" from time to time and be proud of you and your accomplishments!!

I feel your pain.

I told my hubby that I wanted to take up cake decorating so HE went out of his way to find me a class. I took the class and loved it. After I started baking and decorating cakes for friends and family he had the nerve to tell me "Cakes are NOT important."

I became enraged and told him I would stop if that was going to make him happy.

Mind you, I am not a sahm. I get up every morning at 5:45 (he gets up at 9:00) Leave my home at 6:20, drive my kids 12 miles to moms for school and day care for the little one. I drive back 10 miles as I only live 2 miles from home. I get out at 4:30, drive back 10 miles to pick up my little one and back 12 miles to home.
I get home at 6:00 to do HIS laundry, homework and spend time with the kids and tidy up my house before going to bed at 11:30 p.m.

He confessed that he felt "jealous" of my spending so much time in the kitchen. I reminded him of his 16 weeks that I get ignored for football. Nuff said. Jealous??? WTF??? 1/2 the time, I'm baking cakes for his freaking family. Give me a break.

I'm no professional but everyone loves their cakes and I think that this summer, for my birthday, I'm going to ask to be flown into IL for a Wilton course and he'd better not say no because I'm still going.

(I just want him to pay for it. )

BUT my real point is that I didn't stop and I won't. I do enough and outside of work and my kids, I too don't have much of a social life and this is what makes me happy so I will continue doing it until a new addiction comes along. It's going to be tough to top this one though.

I feel your pain. My husband was like that too. I turned to others for support b.c they thought what I was trying to do was great. The guys are so self absorbed sometimes. It makes it a real realationship downer. I say if you really love it stick to your guns and do what you love. You only live once and you can't do what others want to be happy. I am learning that the hard way. We are pretty strained these days for reasons like this. I hope he comes around for you before he really messes up. Good luck.

scrapmomof3,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My husband has not been as supportive as I would have liked. His complaint is that the decorating steals me away from him and the family at the weekend. He has a fair point, he works very long hours but always tries to stay away from work at weekends to be with his family. So he does not like it when I am all busy on Fridays and Saturdays. Unfortunately cakes are more often than not needed at the weekend.

I would give your husband some time. He may still come around. Mine is getting much better, and I know deep down he is my biggest fan. I have overheard him talking proudly about my cakes and my talent. I have tried to become more organised to minimise the last minute panic at the weekends, so that we can spend as much time as possible together.

Finally I do think it is important to stand your ground. As many people have already said, it is so important to have something for yourself that you enjoy doing, particularly when you are a sahm. It is the hardest job in the world. I just love being known as the cake lady, and for a change not x's mum or x's wife. Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

Wow, I haven't checked on this thread lately and am startled at all of the replies! It is evident that everyone has their own opinions about how wives and husbands should treat one another.

Well, here is my end result....I am staying with cake deoorating. It is exciting and challenging...just what I need at this stage in my life.

I love my husband very much, but he does have his issues (which he admits to), that at times can be very hard to deal with. Unfortunately, he doesn't see the need for me to get a job now or anytime in the future and feels that I would be best suited staying home and doing nothing but cleaning. Of course, I want to take care of my family and have a nice home, but I have more to offer in this world than just housecleaning 24/7.

Next week, I will be starting the Fondant/Gumpaste class. Did I ask him if I could take this? Yes. Why? Because we are a team with children to take care of. Also, I don't want to adopt a 'Nanny nanny boo boo' attitude with him regarding taking the classes or doing the cakes. I really do need his support. After the class is done, I will take a couple of months off to spend time with the family, go on vacation, and practice what I have learned in two Wilton classes. Then, I will go back and complete classes #2 and #3.

Who knows where any of this will take me, but for now, I am feeling better than I have in a long time. And, I feel like I am gaining some of my identity back in the process...I am still wife, mommy, cleaner, cook, homework helper, car schlepper and whatever else...but I am also now...Lisa the cake decorator!!

Good for you!! I am so glad you are standing by what you love. I recently went through the same thoughts but how often do you find something you really love in live? Follow your dream.

Rhondie you are soo blessed to have a husband like that. He is a jewel! But please understand some women don't have that kind of husband. I have a loving husband too, but I have emphasize what the other woman is going through. And it is easier for a woman to do for her husband when he treats her like a queen.