Any of you out there have a problem with your own relatives with regards to making cakes as gifts. Nobody realises how much thought, love, care and work goes into these cakes.

My daughter's Best friend is 11 tomorrow. I'm making her one of the Handbag cakes I've seen on here and I think they are really cool, my daughter loves the pictures I printed off for inspiration.

I've made up a 10" Chocolate Biscuit Cake, I'm cutting it into shape tonight and finishing it off and I've already spent a few hours making fondant makeup, lipstick etc. Already I have about 3 hours on this cake and I reckon I'll have another 3 by the time I'm finished and thats not all the time I spent since christmas thinking of ideas to do in the first place!

There is 2lb of good quality chocolate in it, nuts, biscuits, golden syrup, butter, all the best of ingredients. I've bought 2kgs of Sugarpaste and all in all Ive spent quite a bit on the ingredients. Now as its my Daughters BF and I love her to bits, I've bought her a tatty teddy, cost me 14 for something for her to give as a little pressie.

Now here is the gripe. My Mother who lives with me reckons its not enough to give the teddy as a present and when I say back to her but I'm making her cake what does she say. Oh that will just look like a cheap way out.

Before Christmas my best friend and almost sister was 40 I spent 15 hours on her cake, three tiers and it cost me 75 in ingredients to make it but my mother made me contribute 80 towards a present on top of that which meant that I had spent 75 more than this girls own sisters had on her. They were bunsing up to buy a big gift voucher between the two families.

I wanted to make a cake as a gift for the Rev. who married myself and my husband last year, he and his wife share anniversaries with us and they were 40 years married this year. My mother gave me one of those looks when I mentioned it and said, "They will think your just being cheap....." I'm so sorry since that I didn't do it, I know it would have been more appreciated than the picture frame I ended up buying!!!

Now this girls (who I did the 40th cake for) mother is 80 in a few weeks and her eldest nephew is 30 a couple of weeks after that, there is also a christening coming up and a wedding within a year. It will be expected that I do all of these cakes.

There is nowhere locally that does novelty cakes, its either supermarket sheet cakes with plastic Happy Birthday's or nothing. Or rich fruit, with royal icing and minimally decorated, So I'm not sure if people around me realise how expensive they actually would be to buy and I know damned well they wouldn't pay the retail on them at Dublin prices anyway!

Tell me by doing the cakes, am I taking the cheap way out because it doesn't seem like it to me. Should I still be paying to the gift funds or am I right in feeling indignant over these "cheap" jibes?

Thats not the only problem I have with her though, I doing a course to increase my sugarcraft skills, one night per week after work, I'm home at 9.30 pm and that evening my Husband makes sure he's home early to check my daughters homework etc. But she disapproves and when I'm making cakes she stands over me and keeps going on about how hard I'm being on myself, too much work, you must be tired, why do you bother, etc. I'm only really started selling some of my cakes to outsiders and she thinks I'm overcharging on my cakes, even though she doesn't know how much I'm charging!!! Its like she's constantly trying to undermine me in the hope I'll give up. I love the cakes, I wanted to be a pastry chef when I left school, but they wouldn't let me go away to college and I ended up being an accountant. Now that I've finally found a local course to learn in the evenings and have started doing stuff for people, I'm loving every minute of it if only she'd leave me alone.

Any advice people?

KICK HER OUT!!!!! LOLOL Mothers are "hard to raise" sometimes. Bless her heart, but she's way overstepping her boundaries as a houseguest and a mother. Love her....but I totally agree with you that your cakes are wonderful gifts. Sticky wicket~

Your cakes look lovely. You are right - nobody knows what goes into them. Although I'm sure you love your mother, you have to respectfully tell her it's something you enjoy, and is really none of her business. Try to be polite, but firm. Good luck!

Mothers....what can one say, other than some are hard to impress or please.

I do not think that you are talking the "cheap" way out, as no one else is putting there heart and soul into their presents as you are. Some people do not understand that our pride and joy of our creations and the time and energy spent on making these one of a kind creations is a wonderful gift in itself and I think that it shows that you obviously care about the person that you are creating the cake for!

The other people are taking the easy way out by buying gifts that had already been created.

Keep your chin up!

My advice would be that you need to have a loooooooooong heart to heart talk with your Mother. Not meaning any disrespect because she IS your mother but you are an adult and what you do is absolutely none of her business and she should keep her remarks to herself. You are not wrong at all for your contribution to be the cake. To me that would be a more special present than any other.

Lazy_Susan

I do alot of handmade gifts for family members and close friends, which to some would also seem "cheap", but these things are so much more appreciated. I don't know if you mom lives with you, but just dont' have her around when you are decorating - moms are sometimes too critical (have one of those too). I would appreciate a hand made/decorated cake anytime and am sure those who you do the cakes for do too. Sounds like she is worrying too much about what she thinks other folks think. Don't worry, you are NOT being cheap . . . there is more love in those cakes than in any bought gift!

Deb

O hun I feel for you.
I really don't know what to tell you. Actually I do but it wouldn't be very nice thing to say to your mom. So I will leave that at that. LOL.
How about some time have her go to the store and get the supplies. You know driving here and there all over town just to get the right materials for the "simple" project that you have going. Then she will either whine that you pay way too much for stuff or she will get it that this isn't exactly whittling a piece of wood in the backyard kinda hobby. Then maybe set her to work making the buttercream or something else to see exactly what kind of work you do put into these lovely edible art pieces.
Just a thought. Don't know if it will work with your mom though. Sounds to me that she has some issues with her self image and she probably feels inadequate because she is living with you. I don't know how that goes over in Ireland, but here in the states independancy has been drilled into our minds since infancy and there are lots of us who would rather chew our right arm off than to live with our kids. That's just my personal opinion.
This could be the only way that she still feels in control somehow.

I don't think your taking the cheap way out at all. I'm sure your cakes are appreciated by all. I don't know what to say to help you deal with your mother. Since she lives with you I know it will be hard to "ignore" her comments and do what your heart tells you. Your husband and children support you and I think their opinion should count. It does take a lot of time, effort and money to create the works of art we make.
My own mom was very supportive of me in everything I wanted to do not just my cakes. In fact she use to say I didn't charge enough.
Maybe say "Mom I respect your opinion but this is what I want to give them. It comes from my heart not the store." and p.s. it's not cheap!

You put your money, time ,talent, and a lot of hard work into these cakes. No way is it a cheap gift. Most people would be thrilled to recieve one as a gift! Don't let your Mom make you feel like it's not enough. Sometimes the ones we love the most are the ones that hurt us the most. You just have to have enough confidence in yourself to know how much your cakes are worth.

A cake is a wonderful gift. It is so much more to make a cake for someone than to buy them something from a store. You put your time, your thoughts and love into it. I make cakes for family all the time as gifts. The person receiving it will know you cared enough to do this.

Thanks everyone, as long as I'm sure I'm not being mean then I can stand up and say, here I'll do a cake as my gift and if she feels that she wants to throw something into the gift pot let her on her own behalf, let her.

My Mom does live with me, condemns everything I do, nothing is ever good enough or worthwhile, sulks when I spend time with my husband, I always have to make sure she's included or she does the "i'm only in the way, i'd be better off dead routine" and then when she is brought anywhere complains and says she wishes she'd stayed at home, has upset our last two holidays crying because she missed the neighbours. She has so much negativity built up inside her I'm at the end of my tether with her.

When I was on my own I spoilt her and she is very reluctant to adjust to a new way of life. It is a control issue but no matter how sensitive I try to be to her she finds a new way to turn it around on me. My husband reckons she tries to make me insecure in myself to make myself more dependent on her again. He tells me to stand up to her when she starts this, he cannot believe some of the things she says to me or ways she carries on, his own mother is so outgoing and jolly and positive about everything. Its her that really got me interested in giving this a go after all this time and is full of encouragement for me, I think my Mum is jealous of that too.

As for getting her to do groceries for me or mix buttercream or any of those things, she won't leave the house unless I take her and even if I am up to my eyeballs in a cake, I have to stop everything to make her her meals, she won't even boil the kettle for herself. She's 63 and in no way physically disabled or ill. Just so wrapped up in herself she doesn't see what she's doing to me.

Its so hard when you love someone to try and keep a little bit of distance from them when they are bringing you down.

I take it you don't have any siblings to help with Mom......and feel bad she is putting you on a guilt trip. Heck, she is not old and should be on her own with folks her own age. Maybe you can find some senior citizen group or activity for her. If she belongs to a church, maybe speak to someone who can talk to her, pastor comes to mind, and see if they have activities for seniors. Bless you because you have alot more patience than I would! I would bet if you did not wait on her hand and foot for more than a day, she would get the hint - believe me, she would not starve and be forced to do for herself. Good luck with this.

Do you think maybe she feels inadequate because she can't do it too? (Or didn't do it for you while you were younger?) Maybe she just wishes she could do it as good as you do but some people have a different way of expressing that.
I know my DH quite often thinks I spend too much time & effort on cakes & should just go buy them instead but it's because he doesn't understand that even though it takes a lot of my time I truly do enjoy it! So I understand completely how you feel because sometimes I get discouraged from his comments.

Everyone I've ever made a cake for as a gift has said that it's been appreciated & I can see it in their eyes when they see it for the first time too. I love that feeling! I'm sure your DD BF will love her cake & then you'll feel better!

No advice, Sparklycake, but here's a hug - hope you find a solution soon.

Lotsoftots~

You made me LOL!!!! Thanks for the chuckle!

Tracey

My suggestion is similar--find this woman a friend! Have the new propective friend over for tea, be a matchmaker so to speak. Even if she spends just a few hours with her new best bud it will relieve you somewhat.

I know there is supposed to be an unwritten rule that Mothers are always right. As a mother I could really get behind that rule, LOL. But in this case your mother is ABSOLUTELY wrong!!!!!

A handmade gift made with love is always preferable to a storebought gift. I have given cakes as wedding gifts, birthday gifts, anniversary gifts, etc. and the recipients are always very happy and still talking about it months later. How often does that happen with something storebought?

It is always difficult to disagree with one's mother, and as she is living with you and you have to keep peace in the house, this will be even more difficult. Maybe you could take her out walking past a bakery or two and just happen to notice the prices in the shop windows for fancy cakes. Would that give her an idea of the value of your gifts? As for disaproving of your class, if you and your husband have worked out how you want to deal with that one night a week, she certainly shouldn't have anything to say about it.

I don't think you will be able to change your mother's behavior. You will just have to change your reaction to it. Since you know you are doing what is best for you, and since your husband and daughter are fine with it, you'll just have to decide that your mother's opinion has been heard and considered and that it isn't valid and doesn't need to be followed. This is harder than it sounds, but well worth it.

One more thought. If you receive any great thank-you notes. You might share them with your mother so she'll get the idea of how much your work is appreciated.

Best of luck with this.

Shalom,
itsacake!

Big hugs and support for you. Only you are being to be able to decide how to handle the toxic situation with your Mom. Don't let her get you down.

As for the cake thing, how much would you normally spend on a child's friend's birthday? $20-25 is usually the limit in the U.S. depending how close the child is to the friend. I think 14 pounds, plus a cake is plenty. I think your Mom is just trying to mess with you. And people who think bringing a cake is the cheap way out are wrong! And they will no longer get free cake!
Good luck

Love, GCF

Normally I would spend between 10-15 for an ordinary friend of my daughters, this one being special I spent 25 last year.

Thanks everyone for the support, I should never have let my Mum move in with me full time when she was widowed, she was lonely though and I had just split up from a relationship and so I suppose I needed her just as much as she needed me, but she was too young to allow get so dependent on me. Now there is no chance after all these years that I am going to be able to reverse that decision and in truth I can only see the situation get worse as the years go by. But thats my issue to deal with and I will best I can. 90 % of the time I can ignore the comments quite successfully but then the other 10% of the time I let them in on me and wonder is she right..... I'll have to start reducing that percentage I think.

Anyway, as long as I know that other people think the same as me, its an extra special gift to get a cake thats done nicely and designed specially for you and not the cheapskates way out. I'll have the wherewithall to ignore that particular critism and tonight as I finish the handbag, I might just tie her in her chair, lol. Or politely inform her that I am allowed use the kitchen unsupervised (on second thoughts neither of those, I couldn't handle the grief I'd get for it). I'll figure something out.

Have a good weekend all, I'll post my handbag on monday.

I give my cakes and other goodies as gifts all the time ...I don't think I'm being cheap at all ..... despite of what your mother says I'm sure the recepients appreciate what you do for them .... just don't bake her a cake when her birthday rolls arround ...lol

I don't think you will find a single member on this board who will say you are taking the cheap way out. Time is much more precious these days than money, but it was not always so, perhaps that is why she thinking that way. (My mom used to do cake decorating, so she understands, and actually is hoping to take it up again.)

Obvioulsy everyone else appreciates what you have done. If you do a cake for a close friend who understands your dilema, ask if maybe she could off hand say something in front of you mom, like what a talented daughter, or this is the best birthday present someone could give, from the heart.

Outside of the cake criticism it sounds like there are other issues...one way or another she needs to understand that you have a life AND a husband who is very understanding about the situation. I can understand her wanting to be part of the family but you need time along. Start making her do her own things, maybe see your Rev for councilling about what to do?

I hope things get better for you, and I know it is always easier said than done. If you even are doubtful or need encouragement, come see CC and I know you will get more than enough.

Maybe serve her a warm cognac and send her to bed so you can finish your cake/gift in peace?

Can't you see that your mother is jealous of what you do. You know in your heart that you are not giving anything cheap to the people that you service. Believe in yourself and know that your husband and daughter have your back so that's all that count. Mother's can be unbeliveable can't they? Just consider the source. You're cakes are wonderful. Keep up the good work. Vicki0052

Sparklycake, Are you sure thats not MY mother, sure sounds like her! My 63 yr old mother has either slipped off to Ireland, or she has a twin we never knew about!

Sometimes the ones closest to you just don't get it. My mother and younger sister didn't get it for a L....O....N....G time. They had no idea of the thought that went into cake design, and the huge amount of time and skills it took to bake and decorate a cake. I have never been one to give a double gift--although my mom had suggested that too. To me, the time out of my life and the skills that I used in making the cake, makes my cake worthy as a "stand alone" gift. Even so, my immediate family didn't take me seriously and in some ways made it very difficult for me to cake decorate in peace when we all lived together. This all changed once they saw orders coming in from non-relatives. If cake decorating and baking is your passion, don't let anyone steal your joy. If eventually they "get it" beautiful, but if they never "get it" you have to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy. And if this doesn't work, I like Fishercakes idea of slipping mom a hot toddy.

i add a vote for getting her to some group that will have eligible widowers in attendance and then do the "have I got a guy for you!" couldn't hurt to try.

Sparklycake,

Think of this way. How much time do you think it takes someone to run out and buy a gift? Even with Wrapping time, it is very minimal compared to the time it takes to bake and decorate a cake. I've always told my children that it's NOT the gift, but the thought that goes into it. I would much rather get a Handmade gift, that my child (or anyone else for that matter) put the thought, effort, and heart into, then for someone to just run out and pick something up of a shelf that is loaded with a million more just like It! And it sounds like you have really put alot of thought into a cake that will really make this girl happy. Now if you were just making a plain ole 8' round cake with happy birthday written on it, then yeah, maybe you should contribute a little extra for the gift, but You are going WAY out of your way to do something special. It's a phenominal Gift, and one made with Love. Don't pay any attention to your Mothers comments, you are doing a Great thing!

My mom used to make rude comments all the time too about things that I did. She just didn't see them as rude. They are different from how she was raised and the value system she was raised with. She may not even realize she is upsetting you with her comments. My mom was suprised when I finially told her I didn't appreciate the negative comments (of course, she over-reacted and threw it all back on me). I think a cake is an awesome present. My kids get excited to see what I can come up with for their birthdays now. I just wish I had taken the classes earlier!

Hi everyone and thankyou for all your positive thoughts.

I went home Friday evening, did up my Purse Cake for my daughters best friends Birthday (will post a picture of it tomorrow when I get it uploaded onto the computer), she never spoke to me the whole night. She sat and sulked whilst I decorated the cake, and eventually at 11.45 pm came in and said "am I not getting any tea" so I just said you know where the kettle is I won't be finished here for another while, so she hmm and haa'd and eventually made her own supper and went off to bed. Never let on she even seen what I was doing.

Next morning I was going to town and I asked did she want to come she shrugged and said if I'm wanted, you have no time for me anymore and I asked her what was the problem, she said nothing so I asked why she never spoke last night or made any comment about the cake and she said she had no interest in them. So I told her off because in truth she has no heed in anything anymore except worrying about herself and complaining. She thawed out in town and when we went home to collect the cake, she said I did a good job..... Anyway she came with me to drop it and my daughter off and she couldn't believe how excited they were when they'd seen what I done, so I thought oh maybe she's had her eyes open now, but wait for it......

That particular couple are an exception, nobody else would give you thanks for a cake as a present, much rather buy a cheap one and get a gift. So I just looked at her and told her maybe not everyone was as selfish as herself and in future I would appreciate if she kept her rude comments to herself!

Subaru, you can have her back but I'm pretty sure she's the same one I always had! Pity we don't live closer, they could be great friends, lol.

Today I'm strong I can cope with it and ignore her, right now I'm planning my daughters Bday cake its on 18th March, a sleepover and she can get lost. I'm working on a project cake with frills and carnations and things, she's also ignoring it, but I don't care I have three brides who have paid deposits on wedding cakes in June and a further two enquiries on the go at the minute. Plus all my other gift cakes to plan.

Thanks again ladies. Keep sugarcrafting!