Just saw this one and it reminded me of someone I know. She holds her hands in front of her with fingers together and thumbs at a right-angle so that she can tell which hand is left (b/c it makes an L). She going in for medicine!
That's how I taught my kids right from left! Of course, they've mastered it and don't have to look at their hands anymore... 
But here's one on my son...one night he jumped out of bed and ran into the kitchen. Alarmed, I asked him what was wrong. He said, My ears are cold! I need to put some hot sauce in them!!
In his defense, he was only about 2 at the time...
Well I have one that is legendary in our family . Way back when I was NOT computer literate and my daughter was getting ready to go away to college. We were buying her a computer and she asked her dad if it had "windows" on it.. I overheard them talking and asked what she wanted "windows " for.. She said it was a windows program.. So I said to her " You don't even own a house yet why on earth do you need a "windows" program for your computer.. I thought it must have been something to help you install windows .
I thought hubby and DD would die from laughing and I really had no idea why they thought this was so funny.. This story was told at All family gatherings for quite some time...LOL
Liz
OK, the kids are in bed now so I can talk about them. I guess I am partly to blame for this stupid moment my daughter had recently. See, I have four children and am pregnant and not that many brain cells left. So, I have a tendency to call every name in the book when I want one of them.
But here's the funny: One day my second daughter was in the house yelling for Rebekah to come down the stairs. Why are you not laughing? Oh, did I forget to mention that she IS Rebekah!!!!!!! 
I guess I have called her the wrong name so much she thought she was someonelse. I hope she never reads this!! She would die!!
BTW, I don't have any idea what "here's your sign" means. 
Anyone care to explain?
There is a comedian Bill Engvall who did a bit about how stupid people are. It turned into a song & in the video he did when people did something stupid he would hand them a sighn that read stupid. That is where that saying is comming from
There is a comedian Bill Engvall who did a bit about how stupid people are. It turned into a song & in the video he did when people did something stupid he would hand them a sighn that read stupid. That is where that saying is comming from
Thanks, I had no clue!
Here's another: We were in a toy store with the kids. You know how stressful that can be. Constantly having to say stay by us, don't walk away like that, come back here! You get the picture. Everyone want to look at different things at the same time!!
So we get ready to leave the store and my DH says, "Where's Philip?". I turn around and look DOWN and there's no Philip! Oh my goodness, we've lost him! I get really upset and look UP at my DH (he happens to be 6'6" tall) to say something like, "You should have made him ride in a cart!". And there he is......IN MY DH"S ARMS!!! He was holding him the whole time. My son could not talk yet, but I'm sure I heard him say "My Parents Are Idiots!" under his breath.
There is a comedian Bill Engvall who did a bit about how stupid people are. It turned into a song & in the video he did when people did something stupid he would hand them a sighn that read stupid. That is where that saying is comming from
Part of the bit included how we "normal" people should have a way to be warned about Stupid People, ergo Stupid People should wear a sign around their neck indicating they're Stupid. If you haven't seen him do this on The Comedy Channel, you have missed a classic! With a husband who does stand-up comedy on the side, watching The Comedy Channel is practically mandatory at our house!
"here's yer sign!"
I work in a small town office supply store. We had a person call and ask, "How much are your ink cartridges?"
We said, "Which one do you need? What brand printer do you have?"
Person: "I don't know, just give me a ball-park estimate of what they cost."
(Uh, OK)
Us: "They range from $7.99 to $43.99."
Person (sounding disgusted): "Oh, FINE." and hung up on us!
We carry about 50 different cartridges and they are not one size fits all!!
We have had people come in to have a fax sent and they ask us if there was any way that they could keep the originals. (WE certainly don't want to keep them 
) Then we explain how faxes work.
I just had a person, who had a couple pictures printed off a computer with just the black ink, come in and ask if he could get them copied in color.
Things that make you smile.
Oh here's a good one - a co-workers sister was a few weeks away from knee replacement surgery and so she needed to walk with a cane. She drove up to the airport to catch a flight and as she was getting out of the car - cane first - a woman came walking by and said, "Oh, my God, you're blind!"
My sister-in-law's mother who is from Italy and speaks no English visited Pennsylvania for her daugther's wedding, I was trying to be nice and talk with her and try to make her feel welcome. I think I asked her how she was enjoying her visit. My MIL looked at me and said, she won't understand you and procedes to ask her the same question only 10 times louder "SHE SAID, HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR VISIT". I guess she thought she could understand English better if it was spoken LOUDER.
Ok so I am doing a cake that I foolishly volunteered for awhile back for a friends sisters wedding. The practice cake is in my gallery. For those of you who saw a previous post of mine, I can not remember which thread, this is the same cake that the bride said to me I dont care what flavor the cake is, as long as the filling matches my bridesmaids dresses. Well as if that little gem wasnt enough to question that particular familys gene pool. I am talking to my friend on the phone last night, the sisters reception is being held in her back yard, outside of course. My friend says what time will you be bringing the cake? I said I will bring it while they are having the ceremony (at a near by beach) at 4 pm. She says ok should we make room in the fridge. I said Yes, it is supposed to be in the high 90s this weekend and humid, so truly it should not be out of the fridge any longer than an hour or the frosting might separate. So the conversation continues about all the wedding plans, a few mins later she says to me, the cake cutting ceremony will be at 7:30 do you think it will be ok to have it out for that long? Confused I said what do you mean? she says well you said youd be bringing it by at 4, will the cake be ok to be out that long? I said well no thats why I needed you to make room in the fridge.
She says to me no lie oooohhh I thought you just needed room in the fridge for the frosting
Heres yer sign
And here is one about mesometimes I can be such a ditz. We were taking our annual trip to Quebec City, and had invited some friends along. Because we both have kids that were staying with sitters we decided that it might be best if we took separate cars just incase there was a kid emergency. So we decided that at the ½ way point wed stop for a bite to eat. I get out of the car and say to the other couple, well this is just about ½ way so we are almost there.
Heres my sign
My sister-in-law's mother who is from Italy and speaks no English visited Pennsylvania for her daugther's wedding, I was trying to be nice and talk with her and try to make her feel welcome. I think I asked her how she was enjoying her visit. My MIL looked at me and said, she won't understand you and procedes to ask her the same question only 10 times louder "SHE SAID, HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR VISIT". I guess she thought she could understand English better if it was spoken LOUDER.
Have you ever noticed that people speak louder to someone in a wheel chair? I had a best friend that was in a wheel chair from his twenties until he died in his fifties. Whenever we would go anywhere people would shout at him. After a while he would say, "My ears are fine. It's my damn legs that don't work."
My sister is totally deaf and has been since she was 2. My mom always spoke to her in a raised voice. In contrast, she and I use no voice when we speak. We just lip read. I always figured it was a waste of my voice, so why use it. It always drove my mom crazy because she never knew what we were talking about. I am 58 and she is 62 and we still talk that way.
Diane
Wow - I cannot believe I just sat here for well over two hours reading all of these posts - but it's been well worth it. So here we go... here's my contribution.
When I was about 13 (my sister would've been about 16), we fought constantly. Well, her name is Chesley (NOT Chelsea), and we often referred to her as "Ches". So I called her Ches one day and she completely flipped out, and called me Heath (for revenge?). Well, I said, "No one calls me Heath, what is that? You don't call Kristie Kris, I don't call Elizabeth Eliz", and, as I turned and pointed at our mother, "We don't call her Mom!" I'm not sure waht I was trying to shorten it to, but needless to say, I often hear "We don't call her Mom!" at get-togethers.
Luckily, I now have a retort. Several years later, my sister and I were visiting my mom. She had on a cute little pink sweater with the initial K emroidered on it (her name is Kathleen). My sister promptly asks, "Why do you have a 'K' on your sweater, shouldn't it be an 'M'?" You know - for Mom?
Okay - two short ones and I'm done. I work at a retail store where we wear bright red aprons with the establishment name embroidered on them and a big ol' nametag. You can not imagine how many times a day I get, "Do you work here?". I have always wanted to reply, "Oh, no! You didn't get your apron? They were handing them out at the front door!"
And I have a good friend (who happens to be dyslexic - but man, this was funny) that I was playing a game of Scattergories with. If you've played the game, you know that there are 1-2 minute intervals of complete silence while everyone writes their answers. Well, in the middle of one of these silences, he blurts out, "Okay, what the heck is a 'Diary Product'?"... the category was "Dairy Products". I swear, it was the funniest thing ever, at the time. Don't know if it translates so well into type.
Thanks, everyone, for keeping me up all night! This a great thread! Especially (exspeshully) indydebi's post about the bra - around page 16, I think. Oh, I cried at that one. Hilarious!
Heather
Ok I thought of another one...
One night me and the hubby were doing a CSI Puzzle game... so my brother and his girl friend walk in and he said he wanted to help so they sit down with us on the floor and we're working on the outter edge like normal people do.... we hand Jen, his gf, a group of pieces and she said she had NEVER put a puzzle together before... she's 30 years old or so... so we explained it to her that you want to take your edge pieces (explained the difference) and try to see if you can put them together with the rest of the edges... thinking she understood we meant to try her pieces on each other then try them on everyone elses pieces..... like normal people would do lmao...
Nope not her... she puts all her 20-30 pieces together as one puzzle... in a small little group there sat all these edge pieces and she just knew she had done something.... We looked at her, looked at my brother, and then he busted out laughing so hard and just said man forget it let's play monopoly... well she didn't know how to play that either lmao.... so we decided we'd teach her how to do that too lol... didn't really work she didn't understand why she got like $2000.~ or something whatever the starting amount is and then couldn't buy whatever she wanted right away and didn't understand that she couldn't buy houses until she had all 3 properties and then wanted to add 1 house and 1 hotel at the same time....
Dense! girl lol and yes she is a natural blonde lmfao 
she had NEVER put a puzzle together before... she's 30 years old or so... so we explained it to her ....let's play monopoly... well she didn't know how to play that either lmao.... so we decided we'd teach her how to do that too lol... didn't really work
Where has this girl been all these years? I thought puzzles and monopoly was pretty standard in most people's homes?
Yeah really! I asked my brother the same thing where has she been!? We said to her "man Jen you must have had a really sheltered childhood!" and she said "oh yeah we had a great home all the time we had great shelter but never had games and puzzles" I just closed my eyes in disbelief and shook my head and we all 3 busted out laughing in her face and then had to go have a cig break and she came with and was just like "Chris why is your sister laughing so much is she drunk?" lmao well that was another funny ordeal since my brother is a recovering alcoholic and there is no drinking allowed near him lol... he just looked at her looked at me and busted out laughin again. I said "Who needs drugs and alcohol to have a great laugh and a good time? We just need to invite Jen over more often!" always fun when she's around...
She came over for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.. mom always makes corn pudding and I always make candied yams... well she's never had either of them before and was scared to try them said the corn pudding looked like mush or vomit and she thought it would be corn flavored pudding... like chocolate pudding.... lmfao The yams she was just scared of because "they are orange I thought when Chris said yams are a type of potatoe that they'd be white" lmfao... yeah tons of great stories about her lol
Man, that was a Bill Engvall joke just waiting to happen! You should said "here's your sign!"
Its really scary, but yes, there are people that are just THAT stupid. I think if someone asked me how much a 24 slice cake served I would of told her 48!! ....Here's your sign!!
LOL! Kim you're so bad lol. Yeah I think the lady asking about the servings of a __ slice cake would've had to be laughed at very hard lol. I've had someone ask me how many cupcakes are in a dozen... I returned the question "How many eggs are in a dozen" and she said 13 I laughed and said no hun that'd be a bakers dozen the typical/traditional/true amount of a normal dozen is 12... she said well I need 13 I told her she'd have to pay for 2 dozen she hung up lol... I didn't wanna deal with her anyway lmao
Wow... I've laughed so hard tonight! Thanks for sharing... here's one from my experiences in teaching high school:
One of the teachers at my school was out for a week - a student asked why and I told him that he had gone to Ireland to attend a friend's wedding...
The students response" wow... how long of a drive is that?"
ok..I have to add my story. I am a 911 dispatcher, and this past week has been land of the loonies. Had a woman dial 911 to ask me where she was. Also had a woman call on the non-emergency line. She had a real emergency. I asked her why she did not dial 911. She said she was a tourist and her cell phone was from another state and she needed local police, not the police from her state. She thought if she dialed 911 from her cell phone she would reach the police from the state she lived in.
This has been great fun reading this forum. Thanks for all the laughs!!!
Ok this one was from a co-worker of mine years ago. She has 4 kids, her oldest daughter was taking health in school and was learning about sex. Well that day she found out how babies were made. So they all went out to dinner that night and was asking the kids what they had learned that day in school. When her daughter told her that she had learned about sex that day and could not believe that her and her husband had done that 4 times. Well other people sitting next to them starting laughing because they had heard the conversation. The daughter thought that you only had sex when you had kids.
heres another one. Now my maiden name is Herr. Me and my sister had dentist appointments. So they new us in there and there was always a running joke when we had to come in that went (oh no its Herr again), ok no biggy we have heard that all our lives. So now there is a new employee at the standing at the desk and questions why was that said so we pipe back that its just a joke, you know like there are no hims in our house only Herr's , we even have herr's and herr's towels. Well the new employee wispers you mean you have gay parents. We busted out laughing at that one. Yes she was blonde
We know someone that was asking her husband what the little holes were for on the big highway signs. Before he could answer, she said, "Wait I know, it braille isn't it?" lol Which is scarier blind people driving? Or them getting their arms ripped off trying to feel the signs while they are going down the highway? I think that's probably the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Sweetpeeps..........that tops all!
I keep hearing references to blonds in these stupid stunts. Bet there are just as many redheads and brunettes. I don't think I'm any stupider just because I am blond. JMO
Diane
Oh man, people are nuts! I've always had problems with my name, it was Janel Brickhouse (yup, like the song) before I got married. Ever since I was a kid when people would read my first name they would say, 'Janet?' I would correct them and they would be like, oh, I thought you forgot to cross the 't'. This still happens as an adult, I've been spelling my name my whole life, you're right, of course I forgot to cross the 't' on my millionth time writing it. I also used to get asked how to spell my last name. I think people would hesistate thinking I wasn't serious about Brickhouse.
Oh sweetie we weren't knocking blondes directly we are just following with the ol' saying that blondes are stupid... ya know that saying... well we all know it's not true about ALL blondes and we don't mean to imply it to be so but we are just making note that these people bring knew meaning to that phrase.... It was never meant to be a personal attack on anyone... I'm blonde and I ain't no dummy
Okay..okay...my stomach hurts from reading this....
I am going to tell on myself. I have always been very...well....gullible!!
When I was a teenager I was going through the drive thru with my
father the fast food restaurant was across from the International Airport in Bangor, ME.... While waiting at the window I remarked that the plane above the airport looked like it was stopped. My father without cracking a smile looked at me and said, he is probably waiting to land and has his air brakes on....... It sounded like a logical explanation to me and it came from my father....so of course it had to be right. 
He use to tell me...you are so gullible, you scare me!!! I went on to become a secretary at a police department where I was the only female in the department!!! Needless to say once they found out that I believed EVERYTHING.....their fun began!!!
A couple years ago a woman I know asked me if I knew that kids are supposed to have 3 servings of milk/dairy a day. At the time her oldest was in second grade and she'd just had her fourth child but somehow she'd missed this little detail that they constantly tell you. She reads all the time so I know it wasn't a problem with her not being able to read about it. Her poor kids, they'd been getting one serving of dairy a day. 
People in the military love to send the new people to do dumb stuff. My father has a favorite tale of a young officer who really wanted to do something to help. The enlisted men under him told him that he could go over the tanks with a hammer and use chalk to mark the hollow spots so they could be fixed. My dad says that this guy was in the middle of doing this when a senior officer came in and asked what he was doing, when told he didn't say a word to stop this guy.
I'll admit that I'm dumb about anything to do with vehicles, my brother once told me that the blinker was low on fluid and that's why it had quit working and of course I believed him. The oil change guy my husband works with knows this and when he changed the oil made a note about something being wrong so I'd ask about it (my husband's a mechanic so they think it's funny that I can't open my hood).
laneym, that's too funny! When I was a teenager we lived on one side of a double, on the other was my best friend's family. She was always at our house saying how nice and warm it was. My dad told her it was because in the basement he had a special pipe that sucked the heat out of their house and put it in ours-and she believed him!
About the blond comment, it's neither here nor there, I've known dumb brunettes and smart blonds. It's like saying all those jokes about the Polish are true-my hubby's Polish and he's a pharmacist-how many Polish pharmacists does it take to fill a bottle with pills? 3, one to hold the bottle, the other 2 to hold him upside down and shake him.
You all are too funny. Okay so here goes, I also do some event planning so I was doing some invitations for one of my best friends sisters. Her daughters birthday party. Well she was having a party and wanted every one to wear white but the birthday girl would be wearing tiffany blue because that was the parties theme. So then they thought that asking everyone to wear only white would be too much. So they changed it to black and white. So I suggested that the invitation said that you could wear black and/or white. Mind you we are having this conversation over the phone. She asked me after I said that "I never heard of the word And/or." I liked to have died. I was laughing so hard. She still didn't get it. She says again " What does And/or mean?" I really had to break down what I was talking about. Too funny.
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