Hi all!!

I need some advice on this tough subject. I don't know what to do anymore with this.I just recently got a divorce, I have full custody of my dd but my ex has visitation with her every other week and and every wednesday. But to get to my point when she goes over there for the weekend I get her back sunday clothes dirty and a severe diaper rash on her. She is potty training right now and is doing great so there is no reason for the diaper rash. She wears pull-ups.. It's almost as if he treats her like she is in diapers and just doesn't change her or let her go potty. Other things getting to me are the fact she is still in a crib. She's over two years old and sleeps in a big girl bed when she is with me.. As far as eating goes, he feeds her hotdogs or macdonalds all the time. Even lets her have pop!! (he swears he doesn't but no one in my family does and her sitter doesn't either but she knows what pop is and is always asking for it).
I don't know what to do anymore.. I try and talk to him about these issues and he gets all mad at me. I talked to him about her dirty clothes and he says he takes her clothes off that I send her in off when she gets there and puts different clothes on her so they don't get dirty but then come sunday when I pick her up that outfit is back on that I took her there in and really dirty..Her socks that were white are now black!

What do I do? I can't talk to him because he doesn't listen to me at all. I'm thinking this is neglect and I don't want her going through this..

I really need all the help I can get I don't know what to do..

Start documenting it every time you talk to him about it and his response to it. Start taking before and after pictures of her, when you take her, and when you pick her up. Ask her what she ate and write it down. If the neglect continues while in his care, and you are really concerned about it (As it seems you are, and I agree that you should be!) you could try to get visitation limited to when it would be supervised. I'm sure you don't want to go through a court battle, but if he is neglecting her while in his care then it would be worth it for her sake, in my opinion.

Honestly the only real issue I see in this post is the diaper rash....... I would take time stamped photos of the diaper rash so that you could show them to him if he misunderstood or doesnt get it. As far as sleeping in the crib, I have gotten flack from lots of Moms telling me that my son is to young to be in a twin bed (I switched him right at 2)......most all of my friends still have their kids in the crib some even after age 3! As far as hotdogs, Mcdonalds and pop....... I feed my 28 month old hotdogs (course I cut them up extremely small) and he gets mcdonalds and pop on occassion. I would only be upset if you have proof that he is substituting all the milk for pop or being irresponsible with choking hazzards. As for the dirty clothes, I honestly think he probably is returning her in the outfit you sent her in.... and yeah he probably didnt wash it, but does that really harm your child?

I would really caution against calling this neglect or child abuse, people have different parenting styles and while I dont always love what my DH give my son while I am gone.....it hasnt hurt him yet. When I think back to crazy meals we had as kids if my mom was gone..... they make me laugh (and we obviously survived).

I agree with mkerton. Maybe your ex isnt practicing parenting techniques like you would like him to, but I wouldnt say they point to child abuse. That is a pretty strong word to throw around. If you think she is in danger in some way or that he never changes her diaper in an entire weekend, that would be one thing.

I had similar issues with my ex and flat out told him I would not allow the kids to visit with him unless things changed. He threw the visitation "right" in my face and I told him to feel free to take me to court, babycakes! I will be VERY happy to explain to a judge why I don't want my children in that environment! Of course, he never followed thru on his "threat".

I wouldnt' stress too much on the hotdogs and McD's or soda unless there is a detrimental reason (i.e. too much sugar causing hyperactivity when she comes home). My ex would make food that the ex liked and if my 4 year old son didn't like it, then the 4 yr old would get nothing to eat!

As far as the clothes go, I never sent them in "good" clothes because like you, they would come home in black socks and the same outfit. I knew they wore the same clothes for the whole weekend. I was NOT sending good clothes just so they could get ruined. I bought them goodwill clothes for dad's house.

he actually complained because I didn't dress them up. I said, "Why? Am I suppose to try to IMPRESS you or something? Am I suppose to get all nervous about what YOU think? And why do you care? You don't make them change clothes in the winter and in the summer, they live in their bathing suits because all you do is take them swimming." I flat out told him if he thought the kids were undernourished or underdressed then he could make the call to his lawyer or whoever he wanted. If he had a special event he was going to take them to, he could let me know and I'd send clothes for that event.

I also told him that since he was saving so much money by not paying support anyway, he should be able to take them and buy the type of clothes he expected them to wear and keep them at his house. That of course was not an option for him either.

You cannot withhold visitation just becasue you got a burr under your bonnet.

However......

There was a point that my son was coming home sick every single time. I was missing work every other week because I had to stay home with him. We were at the doctor's all the time.

I asked him about the heat in his apartment. he said it was fine. I said I didn't believe him and unless I was confident that my son was being cared for PROPERLY, then I was not going to allow the kids to come over. The courts do NOT want you to send your children to an environment that is harmful to them!!!

He was having a party on New Year's Eve and I said the kids were not coming over, even tho' it was his weekend. He threw a hissy fit. He had already told me who was coming over and I knew what kind of "party people" they were. No way was I sending my children over to be with a bunch of drunken, skuzzy guys like that!!!

I did have one advantage that you may not have (although it's not really a "good" advantage): He never paid support. Every time he threatened to take me to court, I'd tell him, "Please.....oh PLEASE take me to court. I have twelve thousand reasons why I'd love you to take me to court!" (the total of his back support).

I never withheld visitation because of non-payment of support, which is illegal (pi$$es us all off, but that's how it is ..... he can just decide not to pay and that's ok .... but we can't just decide not to send the kids over. THe (mostly) women get screwed again!). But I DEFINITELY stopped their visits when I had a concern about their well being and welfare.

Touch base with your attorney. But if you have a concern about the welfare of your child, then it's a legit reason to TEMPORARILY halt the visitation until the issue is resolved. Call your attorney with your concerns.

I acutally do recieve the support only because it's pulled from his check from the state..He doesn't have a choice unless he quits his job..

Here's my catch that I have him on.. He's already been ordered by the court no smoking or drinking around her and that's already been broken.. That might be my catch on nailing him..

Thank you for talking with me about this issue! I appreciate your help!!

Your situation sounds almost identical to the one I had with my ex. She would go over there clean and come home filthy, he would give her pop, she would either sleep in his bed with him or the crib, and there were times she had diaper rash. All of this while it is not good parenting is not child abuse. The reason I left her father is because he used to abuse me. So I know abuse. Bascially all this shows is the father is not experienced in being a father. Not all men have the "fathering" gene. Anyways what I did is I sent her in play clothes, sent snacks and food for her to eat, sent lots of pullups, (no excuse for him to not change her), and told him if he was going to give her pop then to give her sprite or caffiene free pop. As for the sleeping arrangement since she was still young I wasn't worried about her sleeping in a crib still. What irritated me was her sleeping in his bed. But there was only so much room in his apartment and not enough for a bed for herself. So basically I just accepted that situation. I don't agree that you should say he can't see her. She's not an object to use to get what you want. I'm not trying to be mean about it, but it's not fair to the little girl. She doesn't understand what's going on. I would assume she would miss him if she didn't get to see him. My DD adores her father and he adores her. The only way I would ever withhold visitation is if there was a real abuse problem. Bruises, cuts, sexual abuse, etc...I can say now that my DD is 8, things have really turned around and he makes a much better effort then he used to. I think he's matured quite a bit and learned that what he did before probably wasn't the best thing for her. So IMO if talking is not working then I would send the things he needs to take care of her. HTH.

I'm not a lawyer, but I am a domestic relations paralegal and this is the sum total of my experience:

You cannot make him a good father, but he's the only one she's got.

I think indydebi had a special situation where the child was actually being harmed (getting sick), plus having the support arrearage as leverage. If I were you, I would NOT want to end up in front of a judge explaining that I had withheld visitation from my ex-husband for anything other than incredibly extenuating circumstances.

As long as she is not being physically harmed, then there's precious little you can do. You absolutely need to pick your battles, though. If you're trying to argue about clothes and McDonalds and pop and diapers and cribs, he's not going to listen to a single word that you say.

If I were you, I'd discuss the diaper issue - in terms of the CHILD, as in she's very uncomfortable and she usually has to go every ___ minutes/ hours, but she doesn't ask to be taken yet, so it would help her not to get the rash if you'd try to ask her every few minutes/hours if she needs to potty.

And I would absolutely NOT use the term "child abuse." Them's fighting words, so you'd better really mean them when you say them (and be able to back them up).

The good news is that dads tend to improve with practice, especially if the two of you can learn to really cooperate (not like each other necessarily, mind you, but put it aside for so long as it takes to talk about the kids).

I went thru the exact same problems. I would send the kids to ex with clean clothes and they either came home wiht the same clothes on dirty or I would never see the clothes again. I also had my youngest potty trained and off the bottle. Well he was too lazy to do anything so he would give her a bottle and put diapers back on her. I told him that he needs to stop because I have her already off everything and I said that we would go back to court if he did not stop it. Called my lawyer and told her what was happening and she said unless he is either putting her in harms way or not feeding her I had no say over him putting her back in diapers or giving her the bottle. My suggestion would be when he comes to pick her up put her in big girl undies not pull ups and we will see how long that lasts when he has to clean up after her. You might have to get a few pairs but at least he might be better about it.

I don't have children so I can't say how I would feel if I were in your situation....BUT, I am a child of divorced parents so I can try to offer you some perspective on the child's point of view.

Only based on what information you have provided it does not sound like child abuse but instead it sounds like someone who's really ingnorant about taking care of a child that young. I hope you don't use your daughter as a pawn to get back at your ex. It will only hurt your credibility with your daughter as she gets older. There is an obvious reason why you and your ex are not together anymore so you won't agree on everything! When I was a child my mother had custody of me and I visited my father most weekends. The whole weekend was spent listening to my father bitch about my mom and tell me what a bad mother she is (this coming from an alcholic!!). The reason my parents divorced is because he was an alcoholic cheater so you can imagine how much I did not want to hear what he had to say. Well....on the other hand, my mother never said 1 bad thing about my father. She would answer my questions honestly but NEVER would she let her personal opinions come through - she knew I would discover how he was on my own and she was right.

I totally respect my mother for not bashing my father when I was younger even though I can't say I would have that same restraint!! lol My father and I to this day do not have a good relationship and it definitely has to do with the way he was, not what my mother thought or said.

I don't mean to assume that you are not in the right here or that you are saying anyything, just trying to give you some insight on what it's like to be a child of divorced parents.

I would also be concerned about the diaper rash and would definitely follow the advice offered above about documenting and taking pictures. I think that if you really look at the situation and evaluate what's happening without emotion you will make the right decision. After all, you're her mother and she obviously means everything to you so just trust your judgement - but be fair.

Do you think he does this out of neglect or is it because he just doesn't know what he's doing? When you two were together - who cared for your daughter primarily? Does he even have experience on what to do? Are there court mandated child care classes he could attend? Just some thoughts and good luck!!

Tammi

child abuse, no. child neglect, yeah probably so.

like said before, pick your battles....ask him to try to remind her it time to potty, so then he won't have to change her....ask him to please buy caff free soda....order her chicken nuggets with apples & milk at McD's....start slow, rash issue FIRST (IMO), diet issue next.... as for the clothes & crib...grin & bear it (FOR NOW)

remind your DD (yes i know she's young) to take a pull up to "daddy" if she has an accident...if you want, send crackers/wholesome snack in her bag when she goes off with him

GOOD LUCK!!!

oh heck no NOT IN FLORIDA!!! not saying in doesn't happen, but get this....i'm 32, sis is 28...about 6 yrs ago (maybe less) my grandmother calls me, she has to bring my father (term used loosely) to the county my mom (& I) live in to appear before the judge for back child support to the tune of $32,000.00. if he can't pay it he'll be put in jail for failure to. so my grandmother (who i love dearly) is upset & stressed out, wanting my to do something about it, because hey we are adults now. i told her, this wasn't my mom's fault, she didn't call the law on him--WHY WOULD SHE, HE'S A DEADBEAT--so anyway, mom knows it's useless, she calls the judge (small town here girls) tells (ask) him to just dismiss it, so grandma brings him (& i don't go see her, b/c I DO NOT SEE HIM--NO NO NO) & the judge dismissed it.

i don't want his money, sis doesn't want it & MY PARENTS SURE DON'T

OKAY so i was sooo OFF TOPIC-- sorry

[He has a drinking problem and spends his money on that. he won't spend it on her.[/quote]

And that seems like reason enough to be afraid to leave her alone in his care, especially with her coming home dirty and him not changing her. Him getting angry about it and yelling sends up red flags for me all over the place, especially combined with a drinking problem, but I had an alcoholic ex-stepdad and that just scares the daylights out of me for your daughter to be left alone with this man if you really think he is being out of line, like getting drunk and not taking care of her (That's what I was getting out of it all, if that's not what you are thinking is happening, then sorry for the outburst lol.) ...either case, I wasnt suggesting to not let her see him at all, just maybe not alone overnight until he realizes what he needs to be doing to take care of her properly and not getting drunk in front of her. People can do dangerous things and then blame it on alcohol. Trust me when I say that if that is happening, it will affect your daughter. I still remember being afraid when my stepdad would get drunk when I was little. And since you say he yells at you and gets angry, I wouldnt imagine it's just towards you if he is drunk. It gets taken out on whoever is convenient, and if that happens to be a two year old, then so be it.

I just want everyone to know I'm not trying to make it to where he can't see her..I would never do that to her.. I just want him to understand that she is is his daughter not just some stray animal that you treat horriably ( I'm not saying that I treat stray animals horriably either I'm just using as an example)..

As far as talking bad about him around her I never do that..I know what that could do to a child.

I was the one always taking care of her when I still lived there I was a mother and still am and will always be! He never wanted anything to do with us. Always wanted to work or go to the bar.

He uses this visatation to get back at me for finally making my choice of leaving.. I left to stay alive and to keep my daughter safe.. His alcohol problems were becoming worse and worse to the point he tried hitting me while holding our daughter. (still denies to this day that he did it, but had a broken hand to prove what he did,, hit the wall versus me)
I'm not trying to be a bad person and keep her from seeing her father but I just want to know she is safe and how she has been coming home has really horified me.

He doesn't if try and call her when he doesn't have her.. He has never tried to talk to her. Yes I know she is two but she still knows what the phone is and will talk a little bit.

As far as the courts.. Our county here in Ohio down right sucks!!! I have it written in the divorce papers that he's not allowed to smoke around her or drink around her. But who inforces that?? No one!! She can't pick up a phone and tell me.. Also we have what's called Rule 22 as far as visatation. He gets her every wednesday for three hours and then every other weekend. It's supposed to be different for children not of school age as far as times but the court wouldnt even acknowledge her age...He gets her Friday nights at 7 until Sunday night at 7. I get to talk to her when he will answer the phone..Usually he doesn't.. I get to be worried about her the entire time.
If I choose to go back to court it will cost me thousands of dollars and lots of time and I have already been told that.. Basically you have to be rich to win in our court system.

I'm sorry for ranting on about this I've just been an emotional wreck and don't have anyone to talk to.. Thanks for your help and support!

rant away, sweetie...don't keep it bottled up!!

I still dont understand how he even got visitation if he was physically abusive........ that is nuts......... of course in cases of physical abuse no one would want their child subjected to that. I think all of us would have responded differently had we known about that sort of thing, instead of the mcdonalds and crib part KWIM? To me those things just sort of sounded petty like if he doesnt parent the same way I do then he is WRONG...... but if the larger issue is that you suspect he is drinking and drunk when he has her, then I would be finding a lawyer.

It seems like there should be a way to go around your court system if they refuse to listen? I dont know, but I mean, it seems like there HAS to be a way! ESPECIALLY if he is getting drunk around her, and the reason for your divorce was abuse. Try talking to your/a lawyer and see what you can get done.

Does your daughter see her paternal grandparents at all ? Do they live close?
My sisters' ex is an alcoholic/abuser & he has to live with his parents to have access with his son , otherwise he doesn't see him.
Is there anyway you could enforce this where you are ?

I absolutely DISPISE a man like this...my ex was one...in fact when I was 6 months pregnant my ex stabbed me in the belly with a coat hanger...I ran down the streets of New Albany Indiana looking for a pay phone at 10:00 at night in my night gown and nobody helped me until I called my mom that lived 2 hours away!!! OK sorry about that rant but....here is how the custody between ex and I went...


If I even THOUGHT he had been drinking when he came to pick up DS I didn't have to let him go

I could check to see if he had any kind of drug parapenalia (sp) in the car and if I thought there was I could call the law and he wouldn't get his visitation...

HE moved about 3 hours away and then asked ME to meet him 1/2 way all the time....I stopped that!!! I asked my Lawyer and she said NOPE he wants to see him HE comes to pick him up.

DS was to be returned at the set time promptly and CLEAN if not would be grounds for terminating his rights to every other weekend....He also would have to have somebody other then his mother in the room with him and DS while they had their visit (due to battery charges also)

I LITERALLY cried ALL weekend long while DS was gone!!!!!!!! I made myself sick to my stomach, lost 30 pounds in the 2 months he stayed in ds's life...then.....he disappeared...Son was 3...he is now 14 and hasn't seem him again.....My dh now adopted Will 4 years ago (we had to wait that long the courts wouldn't terminate ex sperm donars rights ) We had to prove we had made every effort to find him..WHY??? I don't know...he didn't make every effort to come see his son...I think he terminated his own rights...

ANYWAYS....sorry about hijacking...I think if you are concerned you have to follow your gut instinct....if you see red...it is red (usually) Take your baby to the pediatritian EVERY time baby has diaper rash...have it documented that the baby was with the father....have teeth checked...doesn't take long for little teeth to become decayed because of pop and sweets (truly not long at all).


Anyways sweety follow your heart..


Sorry so long

Christi

First of all - how is the relationship between your DD and her dad? Is she happy to see him?

I think that if you have concerns about your daughters safety, don't overlook them.

I, of course, am on the other side of the fence. I had some great concerns about my step daughters safety with her mother and I personally could not do anything about it. My DH never wants rock the boat and was always afraid of losing her (I could never convince him this was NOT going to happen!). Her mother often had some complaints about our household (where she sleeps, what she eats) when we were the better place for her - she was always looking for something to complain about! I am not saying this is the case for you - since I became a mother I would never risk my daughters safety! The relationship is better now between her mother and us (since the mother got married and smartened up a bit), but sometimes parents don't really know whats going on at the different households and need to be a little more tolerable of different parenting styles.

That being said - if you think your daughter is in harms way try to figure out why she is coming home dirty (is he taking her to the park just before he returns her and has no time to clean her up?) or a diaper rash (she won't let him change her and he doesn't want to upset her? It seems dad's need to learn that they need to do what's best for their daughters, not just keep them happy). By the sounds of things, these probably are not the reasons for these problems, but being married to a great father who was often blamed for stuff I wanted to give you that perpective.

I wish you luck and I truely hope your daughter is safe with her father - go with your instinct on this one - definately NO drinking around that little girl!!

I understand a little of what you are going though. My son is now 7 and his father sees him every other weekend and he can see him one day during the week - but chooses not to. Which is fine with me, the less time he has with him to mess him up the better! He feeds my son "breakfast brownies", because ''they are the same is pancakes or a doughnut." (quote - unquote) He also tells him that I don't have enough money to raise him, that I am a sinner because I was divorced; but it is ok for him to mess around with a married woman. Oh and one of my favorites - Pokemon cards are from the devil. I know your dd is a lot younger but, I just try and remind myself it's only ever other weekend. I know that is not easy - trust me, because I would love to just slap him up side his stupid head ALL THE TIME!(his father that is). When my ds comes home the first thing I make him do is wash his hands and change his clothes. Because the clothes that he buys for him are way too big. Here is another fav he forgets to have him shower, brush his teeth and take his allergy meds. My ds is allergic to pet dander and he has a golden retriever. So you can imagine how bad it is for my son. The house is not very clean - IMO
I agree, start documenting everything and just keep telling him that she shouldn't have pop and your other issues. I have never allowed my son to have it and he wont even drink sprite, for one he hates the carbonation and he says it isn't health. There is no reason why he can't give her juice or milk.

Thank you all for talking with me about this.. It has helped to get some of this off my chest.. But I think my problem is gonna continue until he starts to listen to me. I think he's still pissed off at me for leaving so he is still taking things out on me and mainly on my daughter..
Thanks again to everyone!